guilt over guilt

I hate guilting people into things. I try so hard not to but when I've been a wreck all weekend and haven't seen Adam and he comes over for a little while and then starts to leave...it makes it HARDER when I sit there and think "I have to act like I am OK with this. I have to act like its not a big deal." AND ITS NOT A BIG DEAL! That's what is so fucking frustrating. WHY do I get like this? Where nothing else in the world makes me feel better but to know I have the power to make someone want me, to make them stay just because I look sad, to walk to my front door in a towel just to watch a bulge grow in their pants. Ha.. its not "their" pants. Its his pants. Of course. I'm not a controlling person. And I don't crave power. I just crave the knowledge of being cared about, wanted. It doesn't always have to be sexually, but that's a bonus. I don't get much attention at home. I sound like a middle aged man whose wife wont sleep with him anymore. "Need more attention at home" Or a child. Wah Wah, no one pays attention to me. I'm not a child though. I'm 20 years old. I feel like a child in a way. And at the same time I WISH I was a child. Or maybe 16, 17 years old. God, you don't know it but its so simple then. You think everything is a huge deal but its not. I would give up a lot of what I "have" now to have a little taste of the obliviousness of being a teenager. When I talk about things happening "when I was young" or "when I was a kid" people are somewhat amused. Because 20 is only one bigger than 19, and 19 is still a teenage year. But when you turn 20 you look at yourself and you say "this is it, I'm not a teenager anymore. I wont be labeled that way and I wont use it as an excuse" 18 is supposed to be when you are an adult, but its not. I don't care if you move out and get a job and pay your own bills when you are 16 years old, you aren't REALLY there til you turn 20 and look back at where your life has been and start putting a "2" at the beginning of your age.

I skip around a lot. Anyway... I can go all day in a house with 3 other people and not have one kind word said to me. Not that they say MEAN things, but never ever nice things. I guess I am guilty of that also come to think of it. But it hasn't always been this way. I used to tell my parents that I loved them every night, and every time we said goodbye on the phone, etc. Now, I honestly can't remember the last time. Probably Christmas. And before that it was a long time. And I feel useless. And I feel helpless. And Yes, they are 2 different feelings. People think of me as tough. I used to think of myself that way. Sometimes I still do. I was tough when I was loved. Then somewhere around the age of 16 I wasn't tough anymore. Only sometimes. So I sit at home, use the computer, clean my room, watch TV, eat... no one says anything. We all just sit. No one says I love you. No one says "hey wanna go rent a movie" No one says "hey let me help you out, lets buy you a car so you can be a big girl" No one wants me to succeed. Including me in a way. I cant be 20 and blame my failures on others. I recognize this. But I cannot see what to do about it. No job, no car, no car, no job. well, i DO have a job, one that requires me to get a ride every single day that I work, and its a part time job because of that. And it doesn't pay well. So I make enough money to pay for the constant doctors visits, and I make enough to pay for a movie/dinner once or twice a week. Yes, I could forgo that. I could save that money. But that would mean I would spend a considerably greater amount of time at home wondering why I bother with any of it, and having people look at me but not talk to me.

So, on Sunday night when poor Adam has been working all weekend, and I've been at home, because I don't work on the weekend, because I don't have a way to get there if he cant take me, and he comes over to see me... he doesn't stay too long. Because he has to be back at work in the morning. And I say "ok" quietly and put my head on his shoulder. And I think how horrible I am and how much more he does for me than I do for him, and how much I wish that just ONCE i could drive over to see HIM and give him a wonderful blow job, and slip out the door leaving him in his bed with a smile on his face. And I think to myself "stop thinking this, because you'll start crying and then he will know you are upset and he will feel obligated to stay." But, I want him to stay, don't I? Why would I be upset if I didn't? And its hard to resist when you know you have the power to get what you want. So I cry. I cry because I hate what I am doing. And he says "oh sweetie" and turns off the car, and stays.

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