michelle playing house and other adventures

I haven't heard from Michelle since last friday... I know that calling goes both ways but for some reason I feel like it is her responsibiliy to call me...I dont know, I guess just because she NEVER calls me any more, and I do occasionally call her... She is "living" with Jimi for a month... she "lived" with him before, for a week... She is doing this to.. I dont know, I guess prove that they can live together because I know that ultimately, thats what she wants to do. But its more like playing house when you know its temporary.The month thing is a little more serious but the week was silly. A week would seem like a vacation or an extended sleep over, not like the REAL WORLD where there are dishes to wash and clothes to wash and you probably DONT have sex 10 times a day (although that is fun and I would probably try for it myself LOL) Anyway, I just think that she is digging her own grave with this thing. She is getting herself more and more attached to this fucker and it makes me sick at my stomach. Everytime I think about what he did I just want to rip his hair out of his ugly head! I really really wonder what the hell he has said or done to make her think that she NEEDS him like she does. I think its because he is an exagerated version of what she wishes she could be... Whats really fucked up is that she CAN be what she wants to be, she just needs some encouragment... When she told him about her problems the night of the gun incident, instead of telling her that he would support her and help her out, he started telling her all of the things that he would NOT do for her... Like.. "Well, you better not expect me to blah blah" and "You know this means that Im not going to blah blah anymore"

WHAT does she see in him???

Ok I have to quit thinking about that.. I will call her tomorrow and see what her attitude seems to be and take it from there...

On another note, I have a fucking "problem" again and Im really tired of this interfering with my sex life... But I cant afford to go to the gyno about it. God damn, this makes 5 in 3 months. I cant keep paying for this. Mentally, physically AND financially. I get like this guilty feeling every time it happens because we cant make love, or do almost anything else sexual for that matter. And he gets guilty because there IS a good chance that its coming from him or at least that it contributes to it. We have a wonderful sex life when everything is functioning properly... but there are too many times when they aren't.

I got brave earlier... when he was dropping me off I said "are you coming in?" and he said "no, i need to get home and get some sleep" and I said, "well its probably a good thing because if you were coming in i would probably try to get you to do something that you shouldnt be doing"

I was just going to leave it at that because he knew very well what I was talking about... But one of the things that he wants me to do is to be more bold about things and build my self esteem. So he kind of pressed the issue and said "and what is it that I shouldnt be doing?"

and I said "you know..."

amd he said "ok, im not going to make you say it"

So, we sat there in the car for a few more minutes and i gave him a hug and pressed my face against his shoulder so that he couldnt see me when i said it and I said "the reason its good that you arent coming in is that if you did, i would be trying to get you to go down on me"

AAAGGHHHH!!!!! Thats what was going on in my head immediatly after i said it... Total shock that I had said it and wondering how he would react.

He just said "well i would definatly be coming in for that, thats better than sleep... why didnt you say so?" but then he remembered why he couldnt do it even if he wanted to give up sleep for it. damnit.

BUT at least I said it. I did it. I actually said something sexual, well, not to his FACE exactly, but in person. And he has been wanting me to do that for a long time. If it werent 19 degrees outside i would run outside naked again. It feels good to be honest and open. And I dont even try to hide from myself in the mirror when I change clothes. and that makes me want to cry. but in a good way.

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