fear

Here I am again at the end of the day. Everything is exactly the same as when I got up. I didnt learn anything today, I didnt make any money today, I had no meaningful conversation today. I didnt see anyone that I particularly wanted to see, no one said nice things to me. No astounding revelations came to me. I didnt make any breakthroughs, even in my own head. Meaningless. Void of anything to make me want to get up in the morning, again, to do the same thing, again. Again and again and again. Each day identical. With the exception of a few hours at a time, when I am with Adam, or maybe Michelle or Mark less frequently, I am sad. Always sad. Sometimes embarassed, ashamed of my life, or lack thereof. Ashamed that Im almost 21 years old and i have no job, I dont go to school, I dont have a car. Most days I dont even change out of my pajamas. I watch TV, I get on the internet. This is what my days consist of. Im not sure that anyone sees the sadness. At dinner I eat quickly, silently. No one says anything to me, I say nothing to them. I wash my plate and go back to my room. It hurts to be around these people. Not because they are mean to me particularly. But because they arent nice to me particularly. I know my parents want good things for me. Of course they do. What parent wouldnt? But they are unable to help me. I hate running into people I know from high school because they ask me things like "What are you doing? Where do you go to school? Oh, well then where do you work?" I dont do any of those things. Im nothing. Daughter, sister friend, girlfriend. Those are the only titles I can claim. But those dont count for much to anyone else. And... I have this advantage I guess you could say, that some people in similar situations or place sin their life might not have... and that is that I KNOW what the problem is. Or at least, most of the problem. I mean, I can blame not having a car, and yes, that is the logistical part of it. But the truth of the matter is that I let fear run my life. I have for quite some time now, and I dont know why or how it started. All I know is that fear is wasting my life, one day at a time, and I dont know how to make it go away.

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