2 years...

Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. And tonight we almost broke up. Neither of us are happy about where our lives are, and I think that is spilling over into our relationship. He doesn't treat me the same way he used to. I used to feel like he treasured every moment we spent together, and wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. But lately it seems like he switches from one thing to another, sometimes wanting to spend time with me, others times, not caring one way or the other. He seems sort of... non-chalent about it. It's just not him. So today it all came out. He blames himself. He says he knows he's changed. He said "It isn't just you. I don't enjoy spending time with ANYone as much as I used to. I said "Well, that just doesn't make me feel any better. I want to be DIFFERENT than everyone else." He said that I am smothering him. That he feels like if he doesn't spend every single second with me, then I am going to be upset. I've never done anything to make him feel that way. I've NEVER tried to make him feel guilty for doing something that doesn't involve me. He brought up something that I told him a long time ago. Basically that many days, he is the only person who really talks to me, says I love you, makes any effort to make me feel special. He says that that makes him feel like any day he DOESN'T see me, that I am a miserable wreck, and that's a lot of pressure on him. He isn't happy still being in Texas either. He wants to go back to Florida. Of course there is the implication that, if not for me, he would be back in Florida by now. Maybe he would. But goddamnit, it�s not fair to blame that on me. I left the first time because I thought he was going back. We were apart for months because I thought he was leaving. And he didn't fucking leave! Then when we met up again, we were in love almost instantly. We had been on the verge of it when we broke up the first time. But I didn't make him stay. It�s a sacrifice that he chose to make. I am grateful that he made it, but I just don't think it's fair to throw that in my face. But I guess fair doesn't really have much to do with love. I just want so badly for things to be like they were.

He used to tell me, when I would cry and say that I wasn't enough for him, that I WAS enough for him, but that he needed ALL of me. "I want all of you. I need all of you." I spent a long time trying to hold most of my emotions inside because I was afraid of being hurt. But I wanted to believe that someone might actually want me for ME, for all my insecurities, and fear and frustrations. I KNOW I'm not an easy person to deal with. But I really really wanted to think that he meant it when he said "I want all of you." I think it's when I started giving him "all of me" that the real trouble started. I told him that tonight. I said "Now that you have all of me, you've found that it's too much. It isn't what you bargained for, is it? It's not what you were expecting." He thought for a long time and he said "It's not you, its me" At this point I thought, "Here we go. This is it. It's over." I mean, come on?? The "It's not you, its me line??" That's a breakup line. We were both crying. He said he DOES still want all of me. Then he said "Why do you have to be so wonderful? This would be so much easier if I weren't so in love with you." My head was spinning and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I said "I know we can get through this. We've been through so much. Being apart for months, you going back to Florida for 2 months, me not opening myself up to you. Please don't tell me that the one thing we CAN'T get through is me actually DOING what you always wanted me to do." He said he feels like *I* don't want all of HIM! What??? He used his music as an example. I never take an interest in it. I never want to listen to it. I never compliment him on it. I never have a CHANCE to! He doesn't involve me in any of it. I'm never invited when he goes to work on it. I'm never invited when he goes to the club on Tuesdays to do open mic stuff. I've even ASKED to go, and he said "No, it�s my thing" I said, What do you want me to do? I CAN'T do both? I can either let YOU do YOUR thing and stay out of it, like you say you want, OR I can be supportive about it and compliment you on it, like you say you want me to. I CAN'T do both! Which is it gonna be?"

He thought about it for a while and said he didn't know, and that was the problem. "I know I'm contradicting myself. It's me, its all my fault" I really thought it was over at this point. He really seemed like he thought it was hopeless. We held each other for while. Cried a lot. I just kept saying "I don't want it to be over... I don't want it to be over..." He said "It's not over. I love you. I'm going to stay with you. We'll work on things." I think I made him promise me that about 100 times. He said he needed to leave, clear his head and think about some things. Of course that worried me. He said "Don't worry, I'm not going to think about whether or not I want to be with you. I know that I do." All of a sudden he was kissing me and holding me and talking to me the way he used to. Whispering in my ear that things would be ok, that he loved me. I said "I just don't know what to do" He said "I don't either... I just... I don't... I want to..." I said "What??" He said "I guess what I'm trying to say is, what time should I be here tomorrow to pick you up for our anniversary?"

I'm still scared.

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