I see...

I have this stupid little fantasy, which I guess is basically along the same lines as the fantasy I've had for years now... That things will work out and I'll end up happy.

In my head, I see myself finally getting my life together. In my head, I see myself working well on my eBay business and really pulling things together. In my head, I see it growing to a larger and larger scale. In my head, I see myself finally getting over my ridiculous fears, learning to drive, and getting a car. In my head I see myself going to school and doing whatever it is I need to do at that point, workwise, whether that be eBay, a job, or whatever. I see myself living modestly, in a small apartment, with Adam. And I see myself snatching up weekends and holidays to go to NYC to visit Mark.

But in my life I see that only the very, very beginning seeds of all that have been planted. In my life, I see my friends drifting away. In my life I see that if I were to start going to college NOW, I would be 25 when I graduate. No one knows, has any IDEA, how much that kills me inside.

Did I tell you, (myself) what I did the other day? Remember that green cardboard box that used to sit under the birdcage? The one that had information for literally a hundred different schools? The one that's been sitting there, untouched and ignored, for YEARS? The one that had the big course book from Sarah Lawrence? Yeah that one. I dumped it on the ground, and cried while I slowly sorted through it, taking out this thing or that that hadn't belonged there to begin with. Then I picked all of it up in my arms. I held it all there. For a moment. And then I threw it in the trash.

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