not ready yet

I'm doing it again. Letting myself feel that there may be hope... Leading myself down a well worn path of sadness and frustration.

I still don't see anything when I try to look ahead. The future is dark to me, more than dark... It is nothingness. I try to remember the last time that I could predict anything about the future. I can't recall. But you know, that's a lie. I've been preaching doom and gloom for eternity for quite some time now.

Why that all belongs in an entry about letting myself hope, I don't know. Part of the constant enigma that seems to be my life. Did I mention that the other day, I got a free trial membership to AAA in the mail? Where in the hell did these idiots get the idea that I have or have ever had a car?

Tangent...And speaking of cars, did I mention that Mark totalled his? So, for the last few precious weeks before he moves to NYC, he has no car. Everyone else he knows has one, so I'm sure he'll have no trouble spending time with them all... But pathetic little me...My stupid self centered mind somehow feels that his car accident is all part of the grand scheme to fuck up MY life.

I'm trying to force down my relentless fantasies of success. Trying to supress that small part of my brain/heart/soul that still feels the need to say "Yes! It just may work!"

I guess what it all comes down to is life, or death. And I'm not ready to die yet.

:|cause|:|effect|: