I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl

I have to stop living like I'm 21 with my whole life ahead of me. I have to start living like I'm 21 and will die tomorrow.

This has got to stop. Time will not stop. And I cannot stop. If I die somehow, somewhere along the way, at least I will have died living, and not standing still.

I talked to Mark earlier, if they don't have an apartment by next Sunday, they are coming home. A part of me hopes they do. And that's some sick shit. But I can't change my feelings and I won't try. I can't change anything by wishing for it. This has been made abundantly clear to me.

I may take the small amount of money I have left from the THREE FUCKING WEEKS that I worked and go to FL with Adam for a month. I'd have to get a job while I'm there, but so be it. Moving ahead. Going, going, going. No point in standing still. I may take the money and go to NYC with Mark if they get an apartment. I could be out of this state in less than a week. Or maybe a month. Or maybe three. But it will happen. And I just don't know where it will all take me. But it won't be here. It cannot be here.

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