reality vs. delusion

BPG: hey

BPG: how are you?

ME: living, thats about all i can say

BPG: oh no

BPG: what about the nyc plan?

ME: what about it?

BPG: is it still on?

ME: yes but it wouldnt be til january at the earliest

BPG: so why are you just "living" and not enjoying life

ME: because its just a constant monotony of stress and work and sleep

BPG: stress from what?

ME: having to rely on other people all the time to get to and from work

ME: never knowing from day to day if ill be able to get home or not

BPG: how far away are you?

ME: no traffic, 13 minutes. traffic (which there always is at the times i go in and get off) anywhere from 20-45 minutes. usually right around 30 though

BPG: what about a bike?

ME: we are talking over 10 miles on a major highway

BPG: okay, nevermind

ME: i can walk to my boyfriends house, its about 2 1/2 miles from work, then wait there for a ride later in the day. but thats on a major highway as well

BPG: what about a cheap used car?

ME: thats a whole other can of worms

ME: when i get out of debt ill start on that i suppose

BPG: i thought your debt was only in the hundreds

ME: yeah, i also have some medical stuff to take care off too

ME: of

ME: i just cant think about getting a car right now. its too much

BPG: hey did you hear about that girl on the web asking for donations?

BPG: she paid off her $20k debt from it

ME: pathetic

ME: as bad as i sometimes feel things are, i have no delusions that i deserve strangers money

ME: anyway, you seem busy. ill let you get back to whatever you were doing

BPG: sorry, talking to 3 people at the same time

ME: no problem

BPG: you, my cousin in NYC, and a very old friend on the Net

BPG: i guess your bf came back form his trip?

ME: no, next wednesday

BPG: you miss him?

ME: another reason that i practically have to beat my head against a wall to feel

ME: yes

BPG: hows the job, btw?

ME: pretty boring

BPG: but you said it pays better, right?

ME: better than a hole in the head i suppose

BPG: i guess so

BPG: im sorry youre miserable

ME: less miserable and more a strange brand of numb

BPG: what do you mean

BPG: tired of being miserable so much that youre numb?

ME: i dont know how to explain it. maybe its just that i cant seem to look more than a few hours into the future

BPG: so you feel you have no control over your life?

ME: i was trying to explain to adam less than a week ago about how i was a sappy, weepy mess, crying over gay tv shows and on some estrogen induced trip

BPG: you on the pill?

ME: nope

BPG: hmm

ME: just my crazy body. i had zero sex drive. all i thought about was flowers and love poems and all the ridiculous crap that a 16 year olds dreams are made of

BPG: hmmm

ME: for a girl like me, there isnt much more disturbing

BPG: weird...ever have this before in your life?

ME: no. it seems to be gone for the most part. or maybe ive just convinced myself that it was all paranoid response to adam being away

ME: either way, i can watch tv without crying now

BPG: hey do you think you may have been sufering from depression?

ME: may have been? hmm. try the last, oh, 4 years of my life

BPG: seirously, im talking clinically depressed here

ME: when you live in a head like this its hard to know what is real and what is delusional. i dont mean that i see things that arent there. i mean that maybe i feel things that arent there.

ME: clinically, i dont know. i suppose not technically, ive never been diagnosed

BPG: do you have happy episodes too, though?

ME: you are asking if im bipolar. no, i dont think so. no mania

BPG: okay, are you bisexual, then

BPG: sorry LOL

ME: i dont think so

ME: i guess i must seem like a real head case

BPG: no

BPG: but its interessting

ME: what is interesting about it?

BPG: that youre confused about reality

BPG: you sound depressed but youre not bipolar

ME: i figure bipolar would be better. at least id be maniacally happy at times

BPG: right

BPG: i lived with someone like that for 5 months

BPG: it was tough

ME: id just like to be able to say what i want and know for sure that its really want i want, and not what my head is telling me that i want for that 5 minute time period

ME: id like to be able to look at things in at least some kind of realistic perspective, rather than wondering if its just how im remembering things or if its really how it was

ME: does any of this make any sense?

BPG: that may not come until youre older ..the perspective i mean

BPG: yes it does

ME: i guess its all rather existential

ME: which i despise

ME: but somehow that makes sense too

BPG: it sounds more epistemological, actually

ME: not so much knowledge as feelings though. or knowledge of feelings. but thats splitting hairs

BPG: but you dont know if things are real

ME: truthfully, i know what is real and what is not. i just dont know how i feel about it

ME: and there are certain things that, if you have to ask for them, arent worth getting

BPG: i see

ME: i dont know if everyone feels that way, but i do

BPG: youre definitely troubled, but its good that youre analytical about it...thatll help you maintain your sanity

ME: i think its the over analyzation that is making me crazy actually

ME: if i could stop thinking about things and just let them happen for a while, i might be better off

BPG: perhaps. highly intelligent peoples sometimes suffer more cause theyre better at rationalizing and makinc excuses

ME: then theres me, who doesnt know if i am making excuses, and if i am, should I be

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