some things

For the most part, I feel like I�m very slowly crawling out of some dark hole, slipping and falling frequently along the way but basically making progress. Occasionally, I�m completely overwhelmed by the memory of a time of absolute despair, so caught up in remembering a time when everything seemed pointless and hopeless, that I reach that dark place again. But for the most part, I'm just tired. And I miss him a whole lot.

It doesn�t seem possible that he�s been gone for close to a month. It�s unfathomable to me that he left for 2 months before and I somehow lived through it. I try to no longer question the implications of the fact that I�ve become to dependant on him. The 6 days before I will see him seem to be whittling down steadily, becoming more possible to process. If I close my eyes I�m automatically and involuntarily launched into a fuzzy daydream of ridiculously romantic reunions. I�ve turned into a sappy teenage-esque girly girl. I may as well start wearing pink and curling my hair and listening to NSYNC or whatever it is they listen to now.

Workdays go by unbelievably fast. Certain periods of the day tend to drag a bit, but I�m always surprised when I look at the clock and discover that it�s an hour or so before time to go home. I�m considerably less stressed about finding a way home from work because there are 2 girls at work who are nice about taking me to Adam�s house, and from there I can wait for a ride later. Plus, between Adam�s sister, Mark, J***, and my parents, I almost always have a ride directly from work.

I just had the most random memory. When I was a freshman in high school, we watched Romeo and Juliet in English class. It was one of the old versions, late 60�s or early 70�s. There was a very brief nudity scene, I think it was his butt and her boobs. Anyway, before we watched it, the teacher made us all turn in a little slip of paper saying yes or no to whether or not we were ok with the nudity. This way no one would know who the spoil sport was. If even one person said no, she was going to hold a piece of cardboard over the screen during the nude scene. So anyway, we all turned on out little slip of paper and only one person had said no. And for some reason, everyone thought it was me! I guess I was a little quiet back then and I made good grades so I guess I was a goody two shoes or whatever, but I can�t imagine anyone thinking that I would be that prudish. I think someone did finally admit to being the 'no' vote, but he just did it to be a jackass.

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Some things aren't worth having if you have to ask for them.

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