bondage

I don't know why exactly, but I want to say why I like bondage. I want to say it, but when I think about it, I'm not even positive that I know or understand.

First of all, when I say that I like bondage, what I mean is that I like to be tied up. Handcuffed, restrained, etc. While I don't mind being the tier, it really doesn't do anything for me. It can be fun and I'll do it to please, but essentially, I'm the tie-ee.

Maybe I shouldn't over-analyze. Maybe I shouldn't question the reasons that being tied is such a powerful experience. For me, it goes beyond just something fun to do. It goes beyond buying some furry handcuffs. But maybe thinking about it too much is a bad thing. Maybe looking at my own motivations for it will take the magic away. But it hasn't so far.

The thing is, after all this time of compliments being lavished on me, and being treated like the most beautiful woman in the world, I still see myself as I always have when I look in the mirror. I see a body I am ashamed of. I see breasts that repulse me. I honestly couldn�t blame anyone if they wanted nothing to do with me sexually. This is truly what I feel.

When Adam ties me up, I feel wanted. As long as I am tied, I feel beautiful. I don't know if that's fucked up, and I don't really care. For someone to tie you up... they must really want you. So badly that they will tie you up, tie you to the bed, and keep you there. When Im tied, something in my head relaxes. The part that tells me that Im ugly, whatever that evil part is, it can't get through. I don't feel the compulsion to cover myself up. I honestly find it difficult at times to allow Adam to see me naked. I especially have trouble allowing him to touch my breasts. I feel like he should be disgusted by them. But not when I'm tied up.

At first, he did it because I wanted him to. Now, he does it because he wants to. On our anniversary we went to the sex shop to buy new toys and after an hour or so of wandering around, I said, so what do you want to get? And he said "I'm not sure, but definitely something from that section over there." pointing to the bondage section. That was when I truly realized that he is INTO bondage.

The first time he tied me up was the same night that we made love for the first time. I wasn't tied when we had sex, but before, earlier in the night. The two things are equally memorable to me. The emotional impact was similar, if not equal. I have this mental picture of him, kissing my wrist as he tied me to the bedpost. Beyond erotic, it is profound to me.

I have done no justice to my feelings here.

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