the way things stand

Hmm, manic depressive anyone?

There's not enough time to catch up on what's been happening in my life.

Look, I know I'm not quite right. I could probably do with some of that oh so trendy medication that gets passed around like candy these days. But I don't have the money, or, honestly, the desire for that.

The point is, I worry, a lot. I worry about all kinds of things. Some things are things I can change, some are not. Most of my worry lately has centered around money. Which is kind of ironic, because financially, I'm in the best shape of my life. But Adam, on the other hand...

He is not motivated to get a job. It's not like he's stupid, or couldn't get one, it's just that he thinks badly about himself and thinks he can't get one, and so he therefore doesn't try hard enough, and it's a self-fulfilling prophacy.

So, basically, I have to pay for everything we do as a couple. Granted, it's not like we take weekend trips to vegas or anything, but dinners a movies and late night icecream/condom runs do add up.

Then, I think to myself... yeah, I pay for everything, but he does all the driving. But then again, I usually end up paying at least some in gas each week, which I wouldn't really mind since he does pick me up from work quite a bit, but with everything else on top of it, it's starting to bother me.

And then there is that looming, ever-present bastard: the future. Which is really where the problem lies. I need to know that when we move in together, I'm not going to end up with a depressed, self loathing boyfriend who can't help with the bills.

So many aspects...

He's a musician at heart but theres not room for intelligence in any sort of lucrative career in music.

So basically, this worry (on top of some other things, but this mostly) has been dominating my thoughts. For quite some time.

And tonight I finally just had to let it out, even though it was probably not the best time. Mostly because he quit smoking on christmas and that is very stressful, and also because he was expecting some people to come over to his house right as I called and brought all this stuff up. So we didn't really get a chance to get it fully out there and talked about.

I thought he was really about to blow up at me, but I kept a really, really calm attitude about the whole thing and we avoided that. But, he's not happy. And neither am I, but sickeningly enough, I feel better than I have in a long time just because I let it OUT. I was close to having panic attacks about this because I would just sit and think about it, and delve into every little aspect and possibilty.

If it means skipping the new years eve party to stay home and talk about things or heal after the fight that will inevitably occur, then so be it. I brought up the issues fully aware and accepting of the fact that I would probably end up angry, hurt, and guilty. Open the wound, let it bleed.

For a few minutes after getting off the phone, I cried, I thought the worst, I imagined us breaking up tomorrow, one day before the anniversary of the first time he told me he loved me. I imagined him letting his nic fit get the best of him and a) dumping me or b) smoking tonight. The latter still seems very possible, but I sure hope not.

Then, suddenly and completely, I felt love wash over me and I realized that there is nothing that we cannot get through. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the truth in the feeling. Not being with Adam is not an option because love does not die.

I won't see him, or probably even speak to him until 3 pm tomorrow, and I'm not happy about that at all. We should really be in each other's arms right now.

Actually, I should really be in bed right now.

Speaking of which, all this stress has really put a damper on our sex life. Which adds to the stress. But that's not surprising since my entire life is one big catch-22.

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