Timothy B.

I showed him the poem. I don't know what exactly my motivation was. He thinks its his fault. Its not. He says that he doesnt make me happy. I said that he does most of the time, and that when im NOT happy, its rarely his fault. He said that if he made me happy I wouldnt be able to write so well. I said, at least it wasnt perfect because if it were perfect it would probably have meant that I committed suicide. He said not to say things like that because it scared him. I said it scared me too. could i? would i ever? i dont think so. but i dont really know. i guess you never do know. all i know is that any time i have tried to envision something in the future, and been unable to do so, something fell through and it didnt happen. like when i got a part in Shadowbox my junior year. even after i got the part, when i looked forward, i couldnt see myself performing the play. and i didnt. when i look forward, i cant see myself doing anything. i dont see my future. its not there. it scares me. i cant see more than 2 months ahead of me. im only 20. i suppose its normal. but at least most 20 year olds at least have the capabilities of trying to build a future, through school, or through work, or whatever. i dont. i dont have anything to build on except love. and despite what popular music has been teling us for the past however long there has been popular music, love isnt enough. it isnt all you need. its just all you need to keep from comitting suicide. thank goodness i have some.

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