Strings

I am constantly on the verge of tears. I dont mean that I sit around teary eyed and thinking gloomy thoughts. I mean that at any given moment, given a reason, be it small or large, imagined or real, I can begin crying (and immediatly think myself foolish for it.)

Such is the case when I semi tease adam about being late a lot here lately, not remembering that he has had a really bad past couple of days.. and he tries to get of the phone suddenly because I have hurt his feelings. Guilt is a really good (read: effective) method to start the tears.

I feel like there are strings attached to all different places on my brain and these strings are tangled and being pulled in all directions so that I dont know which string is being pulled by which force, and its beyond mattering anyhow because even if I could figure it out I couldnt do anything about it.

And Im afraid to do something. I wont even say what in my head. Its a silly silly fear. I dont really know the exact cause of it but I just dont care anymore. I am AFRAID to do it and I cant help it. Im also embarassed to admit the fear to ANY one. But I want to do this thing so badly, and it... well it really is NECESARY, I must keep telling myself that and also think about the wonderful wonderful things that can happen if I over come this fear. But also the fact that... If I am going to NYC this summer and staying... Its not going to matter. So is the time and effort worth it? Or is NYC just another thing I will have talked about but never done, and then the time I spent not doing the THING will be wasted and ... ARG! Strings pulling puling pulling PULLING! I want to cut them all off. I think if I could do that I could actually get something done. Or maybe I would then lack the motivation to do any of it, not having the strings to motivate me. But these strings could definatly use some trimming.

And I dont feel like crying anymore, having taken my mind off of it.

I hope the strings dont one day rip everything apart and leave me with nothing but a shredded brain and little bits of colored string all around and nothing to do but resign myself to never doing any of the things the strings wanted me to do.

It occured to me that when someone has a little tree that keeps faling over, they put strings on it, attached to the ground, pulling it in all directions, so that it doesnt fall over.

And now this metaphor has become ridiculous.

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