angel eyes

I almost lost him... Really. We arent the sort of couple who have screaming, I hate you kind of fights and break up every other month and get right back together. We have been semi close to breaking up before, but never as close as we were yesterday. And it was over a much less important reason than some of the others. In fact its so stupid that I dont even feel like typing the ridiculous over reacting details of the whole thing.

I dont even really know HOW it got to this point honestly. But somehow I found myself sitting on my bed holding his teddy bear and sobbing so hard that it hurt, literally. Waiting for him to come over to get his stuff (the tear soaked bear included) He had said he was coming over but "not for long, im just going to get some stuff" after a long long argument.

And that he was tired of it. Of the "shit" I beleive he said.

Are you coming over to break up with me? I asked.

"I think so. I dont know. with the mood im in....Im coming over bye" is all i got.

So here I sat with the bear, and all i could think, over and over and over was "he doesnt love me anymore. i should have known that no one could love me forever. how could i be so stupid"

It only takes about 15 minutes for him to get to my house normally. But on this day, it was pouring down rain and it took him almost 30. 30 of the most painful minutes of my entire life. 30 minutes of crying, sobbing, choking. 30 minutes of feeling the loss of the love ive wanted for as long as i have known what love is.

When he got there, I handed him his t shirt, his bear, and his hat. He didnt look mad, as he had sounded on the phone. He looked scared, and somewhat wary. I didnt say anything. I couldnt.

Finally he said "You arent even going to say anything?" I guess he though that i WANTED him to just take his stuff and leave and never see me again.

I said "You dont love me anymore" Half statement. Half question.

He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed his eyes and squeezed them hard and for the first time i realized that he was about to cry. that he was fighting it off. he swallowed hard and said "of course i still love you. how can you think that i dont love you?"

I said "you dont want to be with me" half statement. half question.

He basically said he did want to be with me, but that he wasnt getting what he needed. that he hasnt been for quite some time. ever since the night of much tequila, when i started really trying, for the first time, really TRYING to give my whole self... He has been telling me that things are much better. Now he says that all this time they have only been a little tiny bit better. Hardly a change.

I said "i knew it all along didnt i? how many times have i said it? how many times have i said that im not good enough for you?"

now a few tears escape his eyes. my heart starts beating even harder than before, knowing that any second he is going to walk out and i may never see him again. i feel desperate but i dont have a clue what to do.

*****************

dont let me do this

what do you mean?

dont let me walk out on you

you think i want you to? i dont want you to.

then.. say something to make me stay.

I dont know what to say. i dont have anything else. all i have is my love and i know its nothing compared to yours, and i know now that its not enough, its not what you need.

YOU are what i need. but i need ALL of you.

if i havent been giving you what you need all this time, then why have you stayed with me? if its really true that i havent been giving you what you need, then i dont deserve you.

but i can see it. i know you have it. you just have little things that you cant bring yourself to do. the little things that you cant open up. like singing. you wont sing to me. what are you afraid of? sing to me. sing to me and ill stay.

*************

30 minutes and countless tears later, i sang happy birthday to him. it was his birthday after all. holding his hand so tighly it must have hurt, my hand and his soaked in my tears. it really wasnt what you can call singing. but i did it. he doesnt understand WHY it was so hard, and neither do i. but he understood that it WAS hard for whatever ridiculous reason. and when i was finished he held me, kissing me all over and thanking me for singing to him as if i had given him a million dollars. then he just started sobbing and sobbing, soaking my shirt.

for some reason, my singing to him was proof that i really want to try to "give" more... but now im just more scared than ever that im not enough. i wish i could see myself the way he sees me. he thinks im something so special. he thinks of me in the same way that i think of him. only he is better at showing it.

later in the night we were at a resturant and a song came on that i had never heard before, but he knew all the words, and he sang it to me.

"So tonight I'll ask the stars above

How did I ever win your love?

What did I do, what did I say

To turn your angel eyes my way?"

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