normal wants

im not special or sweet

or giving

or nice

or daring

or spontaneous or open

i dont say nice things

i dont try to cheer people up

i dont have what he needs

im not giving him what he needs

but i have it?

he says so

but i dont know what it is

when asked to explain, all i can get out of him is little pieces of his brain that pertain to mis judgements on my part, but arent really of any abstract substance.

i dont know. i thought i was doing better. mostly because he said i was. then he said i wasnt. now he says that he was just mad when he said that i wasnt doing as well as he said. and it all just looks like a big pile of garage junk to me. especially after typing it out.

im angry in a way. angry that he didnt tell me. that he is throwing the last year in my face, but in a nice way (yeah right)

he made me do something i was afraid of by threatening me with something i was more afraid of.

on the other hand, im nothing so it doesnt matter. right? yeah. i said so myself.

and they took blood out of my arm today and i didnt watch but instead laid there and looked at the wall and tried to talk myself into a swoon, like in the anne rice novels when the vampires are draining their victims. it didnt work. but i did feel swoony after they stuck another one in my hip and squeezed in something yellow.

and ive been home alone all night and thats not good for me. or... well... yeah.

he should have told me. that i am not giving him what he needs. instead of telling me how good and sweet and caring i am. because now. i. cant. believe. anything. he. says. about. me.

but i didnt before either. so, i guess nothing really changed did it. nope. except that now i KNOW that when he says nice things about me that its just to make me feel better. what i still dont know is why he bothers. why not just leave me.

because he is lonely. and so am i. i love him. and i honestly dont doubt that he loves me. but. it makes me feel like a a..a.... leech. a leech maybe. or maybe just a disgusting, undeserving girl who has lots of things fucked up in her body, on her body, and in her fucked up little head.

and nobody wants that. nobody wants what i am. they may think they do. im one of those delicate girls that guys want to hold and make better. im also one of those bitchy girls that sparks ignorant remarks from males about PMS. im also normal. somewhere, somehow, i swear i am normal. i just want to be pretty and have love and give myself.

but im not pretty, the love is tainted, and i apparently i dont know how to give myself. so im normal only in my wants. ah, it all makes sense.

***********

sweetie, if you are willing to work on things, then i always am. im not going to just leave you without giving us a chance to work things out.

i thought things were working. you said they were.

***********

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