really long

***********This was written at about 1 am on Friday "night"/ sat morning*******************

I am absolutely seething right now. I feel like screaming "fuck you!!!!" at the top of my lungs and hitting someone in the face.

Last night, Adam asked if I wanted to hang out tonight. We hung out last night and already had plans to hang out tomorrow so it would not have been a big deal if I had had other plans, or if he had not even asked, and instead had done something else, like hang out with his friends or whatever. But he asked if I wanted to get together and I said sure.

The plan was this:

He would go to work at 10 and get off at 5, at which point he would go home (about 2 minutes away) and look up movie times to see Star Wars with his sister. (I did not want to see Star Wars) As soon as they decided which movie time to go to, he would call me to let me know the movie time, so that I would have an idea of when he would be OUT of the movie and what time he would be over here.

So, tonight when I went to dinner with my family at about 6, I still had not heard from Adam. I thought maybe he had had to work late or something. I forgot my cell phone at home and I felt very guilty at the restaurant, thinking he would be calling any minute and not getting an answer and wondering why, etc. So when I got home I immediately rushed to my phone and I only had one call: from Mark. He wasn't doing anything tonight and I could have gone to hang out with him but I knew I was hanging out with Adam. At this point I figured that Adam had tried to call my home phone, in which case I would not even have known it. So.... I waited and waited, thinking he must be in the middle of the movie. At about 10:30 I called his house to leave a message on his machine, not expecting him to be there, but he answered. He was acting like nothing was wrong. I was like "What the heck happened to our plan?" I wasn't really mad at this point just wondering where it had broken down. He said that he and his sis didn't go to the movie because it was sold out. He had not even TRIED to call me on my home phone or cell phone. OK, now I was pissed. He said that some people from work might be coming over but he wasn't sure... and he was very tired...

I said "Umm, OK..." and Im sure he could tell that I was mad. He said "Do you still want to get together tonight? Im pretty tired and I need to get some sleep..." I said "Wait I thought so and so were coming over to hang out?" He said "Oh, I don't know why I asked them. Im too tired. I should tell them not to come over"

So I was kinda mad but at the same time, he did mention being tired last night and stuff... I was willing to forgive if he was just gonna go to sleep. I was pissed that he didn't call and let me know sooner but I was being forgiving...

Then just now... I called... I just had a feeling... And of course his friends from work are there and there's loud music in the background. I said "I thought you were gonna get some sleep?" He said "I am. Its only 1. Ill be at your house at noon, don't worry"

So I said, OK, well, Ill let you get back to your friends.

He said OK.

I hung up... I thought about it for a while...I got more and more mad. I wanted him to KNOW that I was mad. I called back.

He talked to me like I was a baby. He patronized me. Yes, he apologized and took the blame... Admitted he was wrong. But he did seem to think I was over reacting.

And last night... Jeeeeez. I wont go into such a long drawn out explanation but... He bought "ribbed" condoms. I didn't know they were ribbed. I said something about it feeling strange as he put it on... He said he didn't notice anything. It hurt SO bad. After about 5 minutes I had to make him stop and run to the bathroom doubled over in pain and pour warm water over it. It felt like someone had sand papered my vagina.

At this point I still didn't know that they were ribbed condoms. I kept asking to see the box so I could see what the brand was and make sure NEVER to buy them again, but he kept putting me off. Finally he showed me and I said "No wonder! They are ribbed!" He didn't really say anything... After a few minutes I said "You knew they were ribbed didn't you. You were experimenting to see if I would like it"

He hung his head in shame and said "Yeah... Im sorry. I didn't know it would hurt you"

Well, it turns out that they only had spermicidal condoms and ribbed condoms at the little store. And I am allergic to spermicide. So he bought the ribbed and didn't tell me. Even though every single time I see ribbed condoms at the store I say something like "No way. No way in hell"

Anyway, so he bought them knowing full well that I didn't want to try them. He didn't tell me about it to give me the option of saying "NO!"

*******************At this point, some guy I don't know IMed me and I told him this whole story, and never came back to this entry. it is now Monday night and I am finishing the story**********

OK so Im not mad right now, and not being mad, I don't have much incentive to give play by play details. If that makes sense. The short version is that he came over on Saturday, and I spent a while bitching at him. He then told me that the whole thing came down to the fact that he just didn't feel like hanging out that night. Which really hurt because number 1, he lied about it, and we have always been very big on honesty, and number 2, he had to have been SO desperate to not have to hang out with me that he was willing to lie to get out of it. That made me feel very stupid and unwanted. He said that wasn't the reason. He said that he doesn't feel like he can tell me things like that (that he doesn't want to hang out) because it will hurt my feelings. I said, well it might but at least it would be the truth and not a lie. But I DID add that I would RATHER that he didn't ask to hang out if he didn't want to. Even if he DIDN'T really "feel like" hanging out, he could have hung out anyway, just for a little while, so as not to hurt my feelings. I told him that it hurt that he didn't think about it a little bit, to realize that. He was so sorry and didn't try to blame it on me at all as I had feared that he would.

Then I brought up the condom thing... He started apologizing profusely and was almost crying. He was very disgusted with himself that he had hurt me that way.

I said "You always say that you are going to "make it up" to me, but you never really do anything about it."

He said "I know. Im sorry. Im not going to say that anymore."

I said, "OK, don't say it, but you ARE going to. You are going to have to prove something this time. You lied to me. It may have been a small, "white" lie, but it was a lie. You are going to have to show me that you are serious."

He said OK.

I said "If you EVER lie to me again-its over"

He looked very serious. He looked right into my eyes and said "OK"

I was lying on my bed. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. I looked at up at him a few seconds later and he had the most panic stricken look on his face. He would close his eyes and sort of shake his head a little, as if concentrating very hard on something.

I said "What's wrong?"

"I cant think of anything. I don't know what to do. How can I make this up to you? I cant. I cant think of anything. You're gonna leave me because I cant think of anything good enough."

A few tears rolled down his cheeks. I wasn't even crying at this point... but seeing him cry... I just couldn't handle it. I started crying too and pulled him down on the bed with me. I held him and begged him not to cry.

I whispered into his ear "don't cry sweetheart. Seeing you cry hurts me more than anything you could ever do to me."

That seemed to make him cry even more. Finally he squeezed his eyes closed and pulled himself together.

"I don't deserve you. You are so much better than me"

I said "No sweetie. It just so happens that you were the one who made the mistake this time. Next time it might be me who makes the mistake."

That day, we went to a bird convention and I bought some things for my birdies and wished and wished that I had about 5000 to spend on other birds. Actually I would have settled for 2500 to spend on a Galah. This lady had the cutest Galah I have ever seen. It was just a baby but she was already training it and it would do little tricks.

Sigh... But my birds are very cute too.

Adam had to work at 6, so he took me home. I called Mark and went out to Dallas with him that night, to a club. His current "fling" came along, along with a couple of his friends. One of them was really annoying. 21 going on 12. Jeez.

Anyway, Mark dropped me off at Adams on the way home. It was like 4 am... Adam was very sweet and cuddly. We were both kinda loopy, it being so late and all, and we kept looking at each other and just grinning these stupid grins. I said "What are we grinning about?" he said "I think we are making up" I said "Oh. Well, its too bad we only have the "evil" condoms, we could have some of the wonderful make-up sex that everyone is always talking about."

Well, not being ones to let lack of condoms stop us, we found other ways to have make-up sex. Im not complaining.

Sidenote: Adam has agreed to stop smoking as his "make up" thing! yay! He stopped once before but started again when Sept. 11 happened... He did very well that first time, but the stress of that day set him right back to it. I know its going to be very hard for him, and I think he is sort of afraid that he wont be able to do it and that I will be very mad at him. I might get mad, but I wont leave him over it, as long as I know he is really trying. I could never leave him over something like that. But I did tell him that I want him to be around for a very long time. And smoking isn't helping that. I BELIEVE in him I keep telling him that. Even though it sounds cheesy. I BELIEVE that he can do this, and I will help him as much as I possibly can.

In other news: I go to the specialist on Wed. AAArrrggghhggrrgf

Im scared. I think I would be a little less scared if I were still in as much pain, and having as much trouble as I was about 3 weeks ago, because then I would think "Anything to get rid of this! Anything to fix it! I don't care!" But as it is... its only popping up now and then... Nothing that's unbearable, and I haven't been waking up with it constantly.

I keep thinking they are going to do something really horrible and painful. And since I have no faith in them being able to fix it, I imagine that all the pain will be for nothing. And what if they mess up and damage it???? Oh my god... What if it damages the nerves or something and I can never have any sexual pleasure again... What if it severs something and I don't have any feeling in my clit anymore...

And I have no insurance. And I dot think I can qualify for Medicaid. So all I have is the money I have saved for the past 8 months, in hopes of getting a car. It should wipe out at least most of it, if not all of it and then some. I will be right back where I started. Working for 8 months to be at the exact same place....

And of course, there can be no New York City. My dream for the past 6 months... what made me get through endlessly boring days at work and made everything seem like there was a purpose... Now... no purpose. Nothing. Except to think that maybe, just maybe, I can finally not be sick anymore. Maybe I can finally be normal. Maybe... Maybe I can get a new job closer to home after all this is said and done, and start over saving. Start over... Again... oh god, again

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