walk

Today... has not been good. I have one less friend than I thought I did. Not that I have a whole hell of a lot.

I went for a long walk today. For no reason. I dont think I've ever done that before. At about 7 o'clock I just had an urge to go walking. I walked all over the town, down to the sno-cone stand. Got a blue coconut. My whole mouth was blue. Walked down to the creek. There was no creek. All dried up. I remembered all the things that have happened down by that creek... Flying kites with amber... with my dad... Playing tennis with Matt C. who I had the biggest crush on. Never knew it was mutual til it was too late. But I remember playing tennis with him and him telling me I was really good for someone who had never played before. And I remember having this fantasy of running across the tennis court and kissing him. I never did it. Never kissed Matt C. at all.

I remember doing one of the dumbest things ive ever done there. Meeting John, a guy from the internet. I mean, sure it was a "public place" Its not like i went to his house or anything... But "down by the creek" is not the most populated area. I wore short shorts. He drove an old old ford. I felt like a beautiful girl. The grass itching my legs. The little imprints of the picnic table on the back of my thighs. Scared and thrilled and flattered. John was a nice guy after all.

And my first kiss with adam... i cant beleive... close to 3 years ago. I wish i had kept a journal then so that I could go back and read about how happy I was. How absolutly wonderful and special I felt. And how hard my heart was beating. How I couldnt beleive I had said the things I said and done the things I had done that night. And how absolutely scared and thrilled and flattered.

There are houses in all directions down there now. Even as recently as that wonderful first kiss, there were no houses except on 1 side. So much change. Streets I didnt recognize. People who seemed slightly more threatening than I ever remember people seeming when I was 8. Change all around me. I saw some people moving into a house a few streets down. The moving truck parked in the driveway and a woman carrying plants into the house and washing the pots in the sink in the garage. How... strange it must be. Ive lived in the same house all my life. How strange it must be to go through a change that big. Change all around me, but Im the same. Exactly the same. Certainly no better off. Certainly, just as helpless in this world. Certainly just as sad in that outside looking in sort of way.

On the way down there, I walked over some greasy footprints on the side walk. They were walking in the opposite direction that I was. No, ugly black prints, I will not walk that way just because you say so. At around 8 o'clock the wind started to pick up, the air got cooler. Huge clouds I hadnt noticed before suddenly loomed overhead and I thought, this is some kind of omen. How silly and cheesy and trite.

Walked into the house right after 8 pm. Tired and hot and sweaty. Didnt even finish the damn blue sno-cone.

Last weekend I went to the coffee house with W. W and I have been friends for a while, not extremely close but we hang out on a pretty regular basis. He has an on line journal. I knew the address at one time, but I forgot it. I Went to read Michelles journal. I linked to michelles friends. I linked to the friends of one of her friends. I recognized a name there. OH, its W's journal. Clicked on it and read a little entry about our trip to the coffee house last weekend.

"I went to the coffee house again last night...." blah blah blah, he talks about a magazine we read. Then the last paragraph.

"I was still kinda bored though. Not in entirely preffered company. At least no one cut part of their finger off"

I guess someone cut themselves another time when he went there.

Not prefered company.

Gee I feel good.

On the way home from the creek, I purposly went a different way so as to avoid having to walk in the direction of the black footprints.

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