fear

Ok its time to fucking come out and say it. And I dont know why i feel the urge to cuss as I do it but i do so fuck. fuckity shit fuck fuck. This needs to come out even if no one reads this damn thing. I still feel like its a confession and maybe if someone DOES read it they will be able to help in some way or at least sympathize. I seriously feel like I need to talk to people about this so please, anyone who reads this just say something ANYTHING so I will know I am being heard. Email me, leave a note, whatever.

Ok, here goes....

I am afraid to drive a car.

Isn't that fucking pathetic?

Pathetic. And life-ruining. Each day of my life is wasted until I can conquer this. Each day, I miss out on something because of it. Each day, I hate myself a little more because I have allowed this to take away the last 3 years of my life. Each day I hope that some epiphany will come, and I will suddenly be cured. Each day, I consider telling people I know and love about this fear, but I do not. Only Adam knows.

I don't think anyone, other than another person with the same fear, can understand how I feel. The fear is irrational. Not in the same way that say, being afraid of spiders is irrational, because its a lot more likely to be killed or injured driving than by a spider. But its still irrational because everybody else in the world somehow manages to do this.

I want someone to help me, but I am embarassed to ask. Adam is totally willing to help me but he has a standard transmission, and if theres one thing I DONT need when i finally try to drive, its one more thing to worry about. I need to learn an automatic first. Ive seriously considered telling Michelle, and Im sure she would understand and try to help me, and she would never ever make fun of me, but for some reason Im still embarassed to tell her. Maybe one day I will.

I wish I could change.

I found a yahoo group for people who are afraid to drive, and I posted there. Heres the post:

Hi

My name is April. I'm 20 years old and I have never known anyone else

who is afraid to drive. I am absolutely terrified. I'm also

completely ashamed of the fact and it causes ENORMOUS problems in my

life. I life in the DFW area and public transit is basically non

existent. Consequently, I don't have a job because I have no way of

getting there. All this causes a chain reaction which basically means

that I feel helpless, hopeless and useless. I have a very generous

boyfriend who drives me just about anywhere I need to go, but it puts

a strain on our relationship. He is the only person in the world who

knows that I am afraid to drive. Everyone else just thinks that its

because my parents were/are poor and they could never afford to buy

me a car. Granted, that may be true and may be a part of the problem,

but its not the whole problem. I honestly don't know WHAT the whole

problem is.I've never felt that anyone could truly understand how I

feel. I have never taken a driving test, though I did take

the "written" test to get a learners permit almost 2 years ago. It

expires in November on my 21st birthday. I remember when I got it and

saw that I had 2 years with it, I thought "no way will I still have

this in 2 years. I will certainly get a license before that" Now here

I am 2 years later and just as scared, if not more. I have driven 2

times in 2 years, once for about 15 minutes right around my house in

a small town, and another time out in the boonies near my

grandparents house. That ended disastrously when my own grandfather

literally ran me off the road as a "joke" .....Don't even ask.... I'm

sure that didn't do much to help my fear, but in all honesty, I was

terrified before it ever happened. I really hope that this fear can

be conquered, even if I feel that I am not quite ready to do it. I

really hope someone here can help me. For those of you that DO manage

to drive, how do you do it? Any tips? Please help me. Right now, I

hate my life.

Also, while I was searching for info, I found this quote. Im not normally a big "meaningful quotes" type person, but I like this one.

"Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength. Loving someone deeply gives you courage."

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