my life in a (rather long) nutshell

friend: (12:06:32 AM): hey

me: (12:06:36 AM): hi

friend: (12:06:48 AM): what you doing

me: (12:07:22 AM): chatting

friend: (12:22:16 AM): I called my mom and dad last week, thursday night I think, and my Dad got mad over the phone, I felt like hanging up right there

me: (12:22:30 AM): how come?

friend: (12:23:13 AM): some stupid little thing, my Mom asked him to tell me that he was fine with her visiting me on her own, and he came on pretending like he hadn't heard her, instead asking me what was wrong (like I had some problem)

friend: (12:23:19 AM): I told him I had no problem

friend: (12:23:32 AM): then he went back and forth a little bit and ended up getting mad and yelling

friend: (12:23:37 AM): and then left

friend: (12:23:53 AM): why should his outbursts have any effect on me....they still do tho, get me depressed

me: (12:24:57 AM): im sorry

friend: (12:26:47 AM): it sucks, it ruins my whole entire day, I wish I could snap out of it, but have been in a funk for the last 5 days...

me: (12:26:58 AM): i know how you feel

friend: (12:27:56 AM): what do you do to feel better

me: (12:28:16 AM): i wish i had something

friend: (12:29:00 AM): you just wait it out?

me: (12:29:19 AM): hon, ive been in a funk for the past 4 years

friend: (12:29:49 AM): why

me: (12:29:56 AM): numerous reasons

me: (12:30:06 AM): some of which im just now coming to terms with

friend: (12:31:01 AM): yea these things can take a long time

me: (12:31:50 AM): you know i dont have a job, right?

friend: (12:34:59 AM): I didn't know that

me: (12:35:07 AM): you want to know why?

me: (12:35:48 AM): because im afraid to drive

friend: (12:36:08 AM): howcome?

me: (12:36:26 AM): i dont know. its a phobia, like people who are afraid of water or small areas

me: (12:36:33 AM): its not rational or logical

friend: (12:37:25 AM): have you always been afraid to drive?

friend: (12:37:30 AM): or did it begin at some point

me: (12:37:44 AM): i think ive always been afraid

me: (12:38:09 AM): even as a kid, i never wanted to

friend: (12:39:01 AM): I had a room-mate once who had agoraphobia

friend: (12:39:03 AM): fear of open spaces

friend: (12:39:51 AM): I remember escorting him across an open courtyard into the building which was the boys dorm....the fear he had was very real for him

friend: (12:40:04 AM): he was clutching my arm very tightly, almost painfully

me: (12:40:27 AM): im sure everyone thinks that their fear is worse than anyone elses

friend: (12:40:33 AM): yea

me: (12:40:41 AM): i think mine is worse than most because it affects so many things in my life

me: (12:40:54 AM): like, someone who is afraid to swim, they just dont swim

friend: (12:41:01 AM): does the highway freak you out more than other roads, or is it all equally bad

me: (12:41:03 AM): thy dont not get a job because of it

me: (12:41:10 AM): ive never driven on a highway

me: (12:41:17 AM): but yes, the thought of it scares me more

friend: (12:41:29 AM): so back roads don't seem so bad compared to the highway?

friend: (12:41:37 AM): like a little country road

me: (12:41:57 AM): not as bad, but they can be scary too

friend: (12:42:16 AM): have you talked to people about this, what do you parents say

me: (12:42:26 AM): only my boyfriend: knows

friend: (12:42:39 AM): what does he say

me: (12:43:14 AM): he wants to help me but he doesnt really know what to do

me: (12:43:19 AM): i dont think he understands it really

friend: (12:43:52 AM): do you feel ok/safe if you're a passenger in a car, if someone else is driving?

me: (12:44:19 AM): yes for the most part... but like... i dont have much a sense of distance and stuff

me: (12:44:39 AM): so like, lets say we are driving up to an intersection

me: (12:44:51 AM): sometimes i will think someone is going to kit us when theres no reason that they would

me: (12:44:56 AM): hit*

friend: (12:45:31 AM): you feel a sense of panic?

me: (12:45:47 AM): yeah

me: (12:45:55 AM): not all the time though, just sometimes

friend: (12:46:21 AM): when you were younger, like very little, did you use to ride in the car with your parents?

friend: (12:46:25 AM): that you can remember

me: (12:47:04 AM): sure

friend: (12:47:33 AM): probably it was fun or enjoyable back then?

me: (12:47:52 AM): i dont know

me: (12:47:57 AM): it was neutral i guess

friend: (12:48:56 AM): so what was the day that it changed, something happened maybe? were you ever riding in the car with your folks when there was a collision or accident? or something equally nerve-shattering that might have made the change

me: (12:49:15 AM): ive only been in 1 accident and it wasnt even that bad

friend: (12:49:27 AM): when was that?

me: (12:49:59 AM): hmm

me: (12:50:04 AM): i was like in 3rd grade

me: (12:50:22 AM): im just absolutely convinced that if i drive, ill run right into something

me: (12:50:30 AM): or change lanes right into someone else

friend: (12:50:45 AM): your hands are steady?

me: (12:50:57 AM): when i drive?

friend: (12:51:15 AM): no I mean in general

friend: (12:51:22 AM): when you write, sew, eat, etc.

me: (12:51:26 AM): yeah

friend: (12:51:35 AM): you have good/normal eyesight?

me: (12:51:48 AM): crappy, but i have contacts

friend: (12:51:59 AM): you can ride a bicycle?

me: (12:52:04 AM): yup

friend: (12:52:17 AM): then there is no reason why you can't drive a car successfully

friend: (12:52:29 AM): you do far more complex things when you ride a bike

friend: (12:52:38 AM): for one, you don't have to balance a car

me: (12:52:47 AM): when i ride a bike, im the only person there on a bike!

me: (12:53:04 AM): no one is wizzing past at 80 mph

friend: (12:53:39 AM): true, there are some nuts on the road who don't take enough care, and I've had my share of close misses

friend: (12:53:55 AM): but I've found that the majority of drivers are safety conscious

me: (12:54:08 AM): shit, not around here

me: (12:54:11 AM): i live in texas

me: (12:54:26 AM): everyone has an SUV or a ford f150 and drives like a fucking maniac

friend: (12:55:08 AM): I have driven through texas, not specifically in the city of Dallas, but out of Austin and back to Portland

me: (12:55:23 AM): dallas is bad

friend: (12:55:28 AM): no doubt

me: (12:55:29 AM): everywhere in dfw is bad

friend: (12:56:08 AM): do you have friend:s who seem to drive into the worst congestion without a second thought?

friend: (12:56:13 AM): friend:s = same age as you

me: (12:56:18 AM): yes

me: (12:56:24 AM): my friend: michelle

me: (12:56:28 AM): shes afraid of everything

me: (12:56:41 AM): if we go out to eat and they bring her the wrong thing, she wont say anything

me: (12:56:46 AM): i have to do it for her

me: (12:57:00 AM): she drives like shes walking

me: (12:57:05 AM): i dont get it

friend: (12:57:17 AM): what do you mean?

friend: (12:57:22 AM): drives likes she walking?

me: (12:57:46 AM): like... its totally natural to her

friend: (12:58:00 AM): she doesn't break a sweat even?

me: (12:58:06 AM): nope

friend: (12:58:23 AM): ok here's something then

friend: (12:59:24 AM): next time you're hanging out with michelle, ask her some specific questions about her thoughts and emotions when she's driving. At first she may find it a bit difficult to answer, but give her time to think about it and get associated with her feelings, then she'll be able to answer you

me: (01:00:16 AM): ive thought about telling her and asking her to help me

me: (01:00:21 AM): i think she knows though

me: (01:00:31 AM): she said something not too long ago that made me think she does

friend: (01:00:41 AM): well you can get this info from her without having to tell her all about this

friend: (01:00:59 AM): what you want to do is get her strategy for driving, and then adopt it for yourself

me: (01:01:20 AM): im not sure that she really has a strategy... she just does it

friend: (01:01:26 AM): because your nervous systems are identical, what works for her will work for you -- if you duplicate it

friend: (01:01:44 AM): oh she definetly has a strategy, even if she doesn't know it herself

friend: (01:02:16 AM): like the expert baker Chef Bob, when he's in the kitchen, he doesn't think much about the cake he's going to bake, he just kinda does it

friend: (01:02:32 AM): but there is a recipe and a sequence he follows

friend: (01:02:45 AM): Ask michelle "How do you do it?" and then narrow the question down "What specifically are you thinking or feeling when you drive into downtown at rush hour? What is going through your mind regarding the actual act of driving?"

me: (01:03:13 AM): adam has tried to tell me that kind of thing

me: (01:03:17 AM): it doesnt really help

friend: (01:03:34 AM): did he tell you the last step?

me: (01:03:49 AM): what do you mean?

friend: (01:04:04 AM): once you get michelle's strategy (and you know it works for her), you adopt it by thinking and feeling the same way she does when she's driving

friend: (01:04:18 AM): if you get that last part right, you'll be doing it as easily and effortlessly as her

me: (01:04:34 AM): its not really as easy as that

friend: (01:04:37 AM): but you got to duplicate her emotional and mental state

friend: (01:04:47 AM): It takes some practice at first

friend: (01:05:19 AM): and you can go back and refine and get more info from her always if some area is not clear

me: (01:05:51 AM): someone else telling me how they drive isnt going to make me less afraid

me: (01:06:04 AM): im not worried about other people driving, they seem to do just fine

me: (01:06:06 AM): its ME

friend: (01:06:10 AM): no, but let me ask you something?

friend: (01:06:31 AM): Is your fear a rational fear?

me: (01:06:39 AM): no, i know that its not

me: (01:06:48 AM): i mean, sure something could happen while im driving

me: (01:06:56 AM): but its not rational to be this afraid

friend: (01:07:00 AM): so, intellectually you know that.

me: (01:07:06 AM): of course

friend: (01:07:15 AM): but emotionally you don't

friend: (01:07:21 AM): so the question is why?

friend: (01:07:32 AM): why is there that emotional block

me: (01:07:39 AM): i wish i knew

friend: (01:07:51 AM): somehow you got it linked up that driving would be too dangerous.

friend: (01:07:58 AM): that came from somewhere

me: (01:08:13 AM): i honestly dont know

friend: (01:08:56 AM): that's how it usually happens, we link up things that make no sense whatsoever, and they show up later on in our lives.

friend: (01:09:10 AM): can I give you one example

me: (01:09:17 AM): sure

friend: (01:10:21 AM): I met a girl on a plane, she was a beautiful tall blonde girl, and she had this fear of flying. It was a night flight, so everything was dark outside....we were chatting and laughing but everytime there was a noise or jolt, turbulence, her eyes immediately went straight to the nearest window

me: (01:10:35 AM): uh huh

friend: (01:11:06 AM): so we were talking, and I asked her when it began etc. she thought about it and said about 3 years ago, and before that she had not had any problem flying

friend: (01:11:47 AM): so I asked her what was going on in her life at that time (3 yrs ago). She replied that she had been seeing some guy who was not very nice and was disruptive and she was going through a tough break-up with him

friend: (01:12:00 AM): and at the same time she had been doing a lot of flying all around the country

friend: (01:12:22 AM): so she had been getting on and off planes while in those emotionally troubled states

friend: (01:12:48 AM): her mind had somehow linked up the planes with the feeling of uncertainty and fear she felt during the break-up

friend: (01:13:12 AM): and even though she was over that guy when I spoke to her, the fear associated with the planes had somehow stuck with her

friend: (01:13:39 AM): weird huh

me: (01:13:44 AM): i dont really have anything like that

friend: (01:14:14 AM): yea, you always were afraid of getting on the road

friend: (01:14:21 AM): except when you're a passenger

friend: (01:15:20 AM): but, intellectually you know that it's probably ok to drive on the freeway

me: (01:15:55 AM): well in a way.... i mean, i think i would be more apt to get into an accident BECAUSE im afraid, you know?

friend: (01:16:10 AM): yea, the self-fulfilling prophecy

friend: (01:16:48 AM): I know it's going to sound trite to say it, but: don't be afraid

me: (01:16:57 AM): i wish it were that simple

friend: (01:17:18 AM): is it more complicated than that, though

friend: (01:17:48 AM): here's a question: what would have to happen, in order for you to feel safe to drive on the freeway?

me: (01:18:31 AM): umm... i would have to be invinsable

me: (01:18:43 AM): or drive like an army tank

friend: (01:18:43 AM): ok, what else

friend: (01:19:11 AM): you mean, both your car and you would have to be invisible? or just you the driver being invisible?

me: (01:19:35 AM): well, one or the other

friend: (01:19:42 AM): ok

friend: (01:19:45 AM): anything else?

me: (01:20:26 AM): maybe if i was the only person on the road

friend: (01:20:53 AM): alright, that would make it a lot easier

me: (01:21:18 AM): ive driven.... 4 times in my whole life

friend: (01:21:34 AM): that's 4 times more than someone who has never driven at all

me: (01:22:00 AM): i know, but those 4 times arent doing me any good now

friend: (01:22:13 AM): howcome not

me: (01:23:00 AM): well because im more afraid NOW than i was before those 4 times

me: (01:23:11 AM): see, before i did it, i was just sort of afraid that it would be scary

friend: (01:23:17 AM): ok

me: (01:23:20 AM): but then AFTER i did it, i KNEW it would be scary

me: (01:23:27 AM): it was even worse than i thought

friend: (01:23:35 AM): in what way?

friend: (01:23:41 AM): did you have any collisions?

friend: (01:23:46 AM): or near misses?

friend: (01:23:48 AM): any accidents?

friend: (01:23:54 AM): any damage to vehicle or yourself?

me: (01:23:58 AM): 2 things happened

me: (01:24:03 AM): no damage, but almost

friend: (01:25:12 AM): what was it

me: (01:25:57 AM): well, maybe the second time i ever drove, i was with my mom

friend: (01:26:03 AM): ok

me: (01:26:07 AM): right around in my neighborhood

me: (01:26:30 AM): and i was going around a corner at the same time another car was, coming from the other direction

friend: (01:26:41 AM): ok

me: (01:26:47 AM): well my mom is fucking spastic

me: (01:27:03 AM): she freaks out and like... gasps over nothing

me: (01:27:19 AM): well i guess she thought i was too close to the other car

friend: (01:27:29 AM): nods

me: (01:27:34 AM): she gasped and said "go!" or "hurry" something like that

me: (01:27:40 AM): well i thought i was fine

me: (01:27:45 AM): the toher driver didnt seem concerned

me: (01:28:01 AM): i tensed up though cause of the way my mom gasped

friend: (01:28:07 AM): ok

me: (01:28:14 AM): i paniced and took the corner way too fast

me: (01:28:20 AM): almost ran into the other car

friend: (01:28:43 AM): did you hit or even scratch the other car?

me: (01:28:45 AM): no

friend: (01:29:03 AM): did you damage or scratch the car you were driving?

me: (01:29:09 AM): no, nothing happened

me: (01:29:14 AM): just almost

friend: (01:29:19 AM): you know what that shows?

friend: (01:29:25 AM): that you're a good driver!

me: (01:29:49 AM): well im sure a lot of the problem is my mother

friend: (01:29:58 AM): put her in back seat

me: (01:30:09 AM): that same day, right after that incident... we went home... everything was going fine

me: (01:30:18 AM): i used an actual turn lane for the first time

me: (01:30:30 AM): went down my street to my drive way

me: (01:30:47 AM): i wasnt ready to try to back in but i wanted to park

me: (01:31:10 AM): well of course, it being my first time, i was all crooked and stuff

me: (01:31:20 AM): so my mom was trying to explain how to straighten it out

me: (01:31:44 AM): granted, i wasnt doing that great, but i wasnt running into anything

me: (01:31:49 AM): it was just taking a long time

me: (01:32:09 AM): so shes like "oh forget it. just get out and let me do it"

friend: (01:32:10 AM): ok

me: (01:32:35 AM): then she proceeded to tell my dad and brother how horribly i did and how she was afraid for me to drive anymore

friend: (01:32:51 AM): hmm does your Mom do that kind of thing a lot?

me: (01:32:57 AM): my moms a bitch

me: (01:33:14 AM): she doesnt take responsibility for anything and doesnt care much about my feelings

friend: (01:33:19 AM): is she fidgety, like kind of very fussy?

me: (01:33:21 AM): she told me i was a failure once

friend: (01:33:39 AM): yea

friend: (01:34:00 AM): how many miles do you think you drove that day?

me: (01:34:15 AM): she can be cool sometimes, but she feels very badly about herself i think, and so she needs to put me down to feel better

me: (01:34:27 AM): that day... maybe a few

me: (01:34:39 AM): one other time that went pretty well, i drove maybe 5

me: (01:34:50 AM): then the 4th time i drove a long ways

me: (01:34:55 AM): like for at least 30 minutes

friend: (01:35:10 AM): that might have been 20 to 30 miles

me: (01:35:14 AM): and i went a lot faster and made more stops and turns with lanes and stuff than before

friend: (01:35:29 AM): that's pretty awesome

me: (01:35:32 AM): but then the worst thing happened

friend: (01:35:37 AM): what was that

me: (01:35:45 AM): we were going to visit my aunt and uncle

me: (01:35:55 AM): they live way out in the boonies

me: (01:35:59 AM): i mean ... way...

me: (01:36:01 AM): way

me: (01:36:02 AM): out there

me: (01:36:07 AM): dirt roads

me: (01:36:23 AM): they live near a lake... well everything went fine

me: (01:36:29 AM): my mom wasnt spazzing out or anything

me: (01:36:42 AM): i was going like 55 which to me was FAST but i was doing ok

friend: (01:36:47 AM): ok

me: (01:36:50 AM): so then we were almost to their house

me: (01:37:15 AM): there are a lot of twisty roads and stuff in the little neighborhood thing that you have to drive through

me: (01:37:27 AM): and there are trailer homes there where people vacation

friend: (01:37:27 AM): yea I know the kind

me: (01:37:42 AM): well i was completely on my side of the raod

friend: (01:37:44 AM): you knocked over a trailer home?

me: (01:37:44 AM): road

me: (01:37:47 AM): haha no

friend: (01:37:52 AM):

me: (01:38:02 AM): anyway, i was on my side, everything was going fine

me: (01:38:08 AM): my mom was telling me where to turn

me: (01:38:41 AM): then all of a sudden there was this huge ford truck ... i was kind of freaked out because they're so damned big and this road was narrow

me: (01:38:55 AM): i was afraid i wouldnt be able to pass it

me: (01:39:14 AM): my mom was like, its ok just pay attention to staying on your side and they will stay on theirs

me: (01:39:24 AM): so now hes right in front of me

friend: (01:39:25 AM): ok

me: (01:39:41 AM): and all of a sudden, he swerved over, sped up and was soo close to hitting me

me: (01:39:57 AM): like he was trying to run me off the road, on purpose

me: (01:40:07 AM): well i panicked big time

me: (01:40:23 AM): luckily there were no curbs and i swerved into these peoples front yard

me: (01:40:32 AM): and slamed on the breaks

me: (01:41:01 AM): you know who the guy in the truck was?

friend: (01:41:08 AM): dunno

friend: (01:41:11 AM): who

me: (01:41:12 AM): my grandfather

me: (01:41:26 AM): he knew it was my moms car and was doing it as a joke

me: (01:41:34 AM): he was gonna turn at the last minute

friend: (01:41:41 AM): did he see you driving?

me: (01:41:43 AM): some joke huh

me: (01:41:52 AM): no, he thought i was my mom

friend: (01:41:56 AM): yea that's a pretty stupid stunt

me: (01:42:02 AM): but even if it WAS my mom... why the hell??

friend: (01:42:06 AM): no disrespect meant to your granpappy

friend: (01:42:35 AM): since then you haven't done any driving?

me: (01:42:42 AM): turned out the whole family was over there at my aunt and uncles

me: (01:42:47 AM): they all had a great laugh about it

me: (01:42:54 AM): and i went into the bathroom and cried

me: (01:43:01 AM): havent driven sinc

me: (01:43:02 AM): e

friend: (01:43:08 AM): aw

friend: (01:43:37 AM): everyone has times when they run the car off the road. I've done it as well.

me: (01:43:57 AM): well the stupidest thing is that i KNOW it wasnt my fault

friend: (01:44:14 AM): yes, you did what any responsible driver would have done

me: (01:44:19 AM): i mean, there wasnt anything else i could have done... i didnt know it was my grandfather and i think i did the best i could

friend: (01:44:28 AM): ansolutely

friend: (01:44:31 AM): absolutely

friend: (01:45:02 AM): you actually did great, when you think about it

friend: (01:45:17 AM): you didn't freeze up under pressure, you acted

me: (01:45:22 AM): but i always think back to that and think... what if? like what if there had been a little kid in that yard

me: (01:45:40 AM): or what if i hit their mailbox and busted up the car

me: (01:45:54 AM): everyone would have made it out to be MY fault

me: (01:46:03 AM): and i would have FELT like it was my fault

friend: (01:46:18 AM): how is that worse than how you're feeling about it now

me: (01:46:33 AM): its not a matter of better or worse

me: (01:47:01 AM): there are just so many sides to the whole thing

me: (01:47:12 AM): im embarassed, ashamed

me: (01:47:18 AM): i feel like i cant do anything

friend: (01:47:18 AM): of what?

me: (01:47:23 AM): of being afraid

friend: (01:47:56 AM): because your grandfather pulled some stupid childish stunt?

me: (01:48:06 AM): i was afraid before that

friend: (01:49:09 AM): well, first realize and know that this is nothing to be embaressed or ashamed about

me: (01:49:28 AM): its a lot easier to say than to do

friend: (01:50:15 AM): look, I've been driving a lot longer than you and I respect you for having the courage to face up to these challenges

me: (01:50:34 AM): but i DONT, thats the thing

me: (01:50:39 AM): i havent driven in over a year

friend: (01:51:03 AM): so what. you're thinking about it. and thats where it all begins. without the seed of thought, nothing happens.

friend: (01:51:35 AM): the victory won't happen out there on the road, it will be inside you, in your mind, first. Then the outside physical act of driving will follow

me: (01:52:16 AM): i know, but every time i actually think i could do it, i think of one thing that kind of scares me, and then it all comes back

me: (01:52:52 AM): like i can picture myself driving down the road, but then ill think about trying to drive in a parking garage and i freak out again

me: (01:53:39 AM): got booted

friend: (01:53:43 AM): a parking garage with many levels? like in a mall or downtown some place

me: (01:53:49 AM): yeah

friend: (01:54:05 AM): ok, leave out the parking garages for now

friend: (01:54:19 AM): focus on the side-roads and after that the freeways

friend: (01:54:21 AM): baby steps

me: (01:54:22 AM): i WISH that was the only thing i was afraid of

me: (01:54:44 AM): if i left out everything i was afraid of, i wouldnt even get off of my own street

friend: (01:55:22 AM): ok, focus on the things that you are NOT afraid of

friend: (01:55:28 AM): leave out everything else for another day

friend: (01:55:41 AM): so, the side streets around your own neighbourhood, e.g.

me: (01:55:48 AM): the only thing im not afraid of is to get into a car and start it

me: (01:55:56 AM): im afraid to even pull out of the driveway

friend: (01:56:02 AM): great, we can begin there

friend: (01:56:12 AM): does adam have a car?

me: (01:56:16 AM): a truck

friend: (01:56:20 AM): good enough

me: (01:56:22 AM): but its a standard

me: (01:56:37 AM): and if theres one thing im more afraid of than driving, its driving a standard

friend: (01:56:48 AM): no problem for what you'll be doing. In fact, that's even better.

friend: (01:58:02 AM): for seven days, committ (and you can ask Adam for help with his truck on this), to getting into the car, and starting it up, then turning it off and getting out. If you can do that, you should consider yourself to be making progress

me: (01:58:42 AM): well its not really making progress... i can do that just fine

me: (01:58:51 AM): i started michelles car for her today in fact

me: (01:58:57 AM): she was putting the kids in the backseat

friend: (01:59:12 AM): that IS making progress, even if it seems like it isn't

me: (01:59:26 AM): but it doesnt scare me

me: (01:59:29 AM): not even a little

friend: (01:59:33 AM): it doesn't have to

me: (01:59:35 AM): it never DID

friend: (01:59:47 AM): pretty soon you'll be driving all over Dallas like it never scared you

me: (02:00:02 AM): i think id better stick to fort worth

friend: (02:00:14 AM): the thing is to leverage your strengths

friend: (02:00:31 AM): begin with your strengths so you reinforce yourself and build confidence

me: (02:01:23 AM): i understand what you mean, i just really dont think it helps me to start a car... i dont feel like its a big deal because its not

friend: (02:01:39 AM): ok, then take it to the next step

friend: (02:01:45 AM): back it out of the driveway

friend: (02:01:53 AM): the next day, take it down the street

me: (02:01:57 AM): id rather drive straight forward first

friend: (02:01:58 AM): the day after, go round the block

friend: (02:02:05 AM): that's fine

friend: (02:02:12 AM): do it any way you like

friend: (02:02:23 AM): and build on the previous days work

friend: (02:02:56 AM): also

friend: (02:03:28 AM): picture yourself driving like michelle, all over the place, without worries or concerns. picture yourself driving confidently and in complete control of your vehicle.

friend: (02:03:46 AM): see yourself delivering your passengers and yourself and your vehicle safely to your destination

friend: (02:04:23 AM): this kind of mental imagery is way more powerful than anything you can think yourself into

me: (02:04:26 AM): i cant... when i try to picture myself driving, it always ends up with me taking a turn too fast and slamming into another car

friend: (02:04:34 AM): aha

me: (02:04:36 AM): or changing lanes right into the car next to me

friend: (02:04:42 AM): you have to change that mental picture

friend: (02:04:46 AM): it is vital

me: (02:04:51 AM): or falling off the edge of the road into the grass

me: (02:04:57 AM): ive TRIED

friend: (02:05:04 AM): until you change that mental picture, things in the "real, physical world" aren't going to change much

me: (02:05:20 AM): i know

friend: (02:06:59 AM): have you tried to do your visualizing with someone guiding you. can adam help out there

me: (02:07:04 AM): you know, i just dont get it. im not afraid of ANYTHING. ill pick fights with total strangers. ill yell at my boss. ill run across a busy street to beat a light. i could intimidate osama bin laden i bet. but i cant drive a fucking car

friend: (02:07:57 AM): you can drive a fucking car

friend: (02:08:14 AM): just because you've repeated to yourself that you can 20 million times your mind is starting to believe it

friend: (02:08:28 AM): repeat the other thing insteas, "I can drive that fucking car"

friend: (02:08:38 AM): instead*

me: (02:08:47 AM): ill do that and ill feel better for about a day

me: (02:09:07 AM): when when i actually say, ok this is it. im gonna drive... it comes back

friend: (02:09:33 AM): how long do you keep the new vocabulary (I can drive a car) before you actually physically try to drive one?

me: (02:09:54 AM): i never even make it to that point

me: (02:10:10 AM): i think my mind lets me beleive it when it knows theres no way i can actually drive right then

friend: (02:10:22 AM): ok, here's the thing

friend: (02:11:48 AM): give no thought about the physical act of driving for let's say 20 days. In each of those 20 days, focus instead on your vocabulary ("I'm the best fucking driver on my block"), and on your visualizations (seeing yourself driving successfully and confidently). Let's say you do this 30 mins to an hour every day with intensity, for 20 days. Maybe while in your room or someplace private.

me: (02:12:50 AM): i tried doing that today actually... i just laid down on my bed and tried to picture myself driving. and i tried to think of all the other stuff i would be able to do if i could drive

me: (02:13:02 AM): and ill think... i can do it, i can do it.

me: (02:13:33 AM): then ill picture the last idiot i saw cut across 3 lanes of traffic to get to an almost missed exit

me: (02:13:41 AM): almost running people off the road

friend: (02:13:55 AM): hmmm

me: (02:14:06 AM): or people not paying attention and pulling out into an intersection

me: (02:14:26 AM): its not always ME that scares me

me: (02:14:32 AM): sometimes its other people

me: (02:15:07 AM): and im afraid that, lets say i just suddenly started driving tomorrow

me: (02:15:13 AM): got over my fear

friend: (02:15:17 AM): ok

me: (02:15:30 AM): then what if i got in an accident, maybe not even my fault, a month down the line

me: (02:15:40 AM): i would be so much more afraid

My life, in a rather long nutshell

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