did i ever

hello there

myself

did i ever tell you about my dreams

and my unwavering belief that they would be

did i ever mention that i wanted to be succesful

to feel like i could accomplish something

did i ever explain that i could do anything

that my mind was brilliant and beautiful and cynical

did i ever really think i could

be whatever i wanted to be

did i ever

did

i

ever

************************

Today I went to the pet store and to Ross with Michelle. While we were standing in line at the pet store, a guy we knew in high school walked in and started talking to us. I absolutely hate running into people from high school that I havent purposely kept in touch with, like Michelle and Mark. Its not that I dislike(d) this guy, its just that I knew what was coming, and I knew I would probably end up disliking him from the very brief conversation we would soon have. I knew this because it always happens when I run into someone I havent seen in a long time. People ask questions, not really caring about the answers, out of politeness. What they dont understand is that to me, these polite questions hurt like daggers through my heart. Contrary to popular belief, I DO know that my life sucks and i DONT need anyone to point it out and i DONT want to talk about the fact that Im almost 21, with no job, no car, too scared to drive it if I had it, not going to school, and hardly any money left in the bank. I DONT need the reminder and I DONT need sarcastic remarks about it. I do have feelings. Why do people think I dont? Is it only me, or are people THAT fucking oblivious to EVERYONES feelings. I mean, shit... If nothing else, why cant people see the tears in my eyes whan they make these comments? i knew... I KNEW exactly what was coming as soon as he walked in the door.

How are you? Just fine? Where you going to school? Oh, where you working? Oh... Well... What exactly do you do all day? Oh. Well, your life must be full of wholesome goodness.

No, actually I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my fear. I hate my childhood. I hate my house and my own ugly face. I hate the morning, the afternoon and the evening. I hate my room. I hate sleeping all damned day and being awake choking on self loathing all night. I hate being bored. I hate picking at my food at mealtimes and gorging on sweets later on. I hate thinking about my future. I hate realizing that I used to LOVE thinking about my future. I hate that I cry watching TV shows about people who have good things going on in their lives. I hate that all my friends are doing 1000 times better than me. I hate that I didnt see this coming. I hate crying when i go to bed and having to get up 10 times to blow my nose. I hate not being able to tell anyone. I hate living. I hate breathing. I hate wishing and hoping. I hate expecting. I hate wanting. And I hate being reminded of all this.... Oh yes, and I hate you.

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