rain, rain go away

Tuesday night I stayed over at Adams house, which should have made it a tear-free night, but it did not. I found out that he is still smoking after PROMISING that he would stop. He had been smoking maybe only once a week, but a few weeks ago, he promised to stop doing even that. He smoked on Tuesday though, and I could smell it on him. He admitted it right away and felt guilty, which is a pretty predictable result. I felt... somewhere between dissapointed and betrayed. Not in an overly dramatic way, I just really want him to stop. Its one thing to break your "no smokers" rule and date a guy for a while... Its quite another to fall in love and plan your life with someone who is slowly killing themselves. I know its been said almost to the point of being cliche, but its TRUE. I dont want to be sitting in a hospital room watching him take his last few breaths, hooked up to a machine in about 15 years. So far away, yet real enough to be completely terrifying.

He had been feeling sort of sick all night, but at some point after the smoking discussion, he started feeling REALLY bad and so we went and took a very hot shower together. Afterward we did some non-contaminatory (is that a word?) messing around and then went to sleep.

We were supposed to go see The Ring on wednesday, and we made it all the way to the pre movie food stop before he couldnt take it anymore and decided to take me home, he just felt like crap. Poor thing. I felt bad for him. I remember the last time he was sick he made a comment about how no one ever takes care of him when hes sick, so I figured I would offer for him to stay at my house, and I would take care of him. He said he felt like he was going to throw up, and insisted on going home. I told him to call me later on. At a little after midnight, I still hadnt heard from him, so I called. His sister said he wasnt there, and that she figured he was with me because he had left, saying he was going to Kev and J's and then J had called asking for him, and said he had not seem him all day. She told him that Adam had told HER that he was going over to Kev and J's and J said, nope...

So of course Im freaking out, and even his sister was worried, which made me even MORE worried because she doesnt get worried about that kind of thing very easily. Its been raining all fucking week here and the roads are bad... Lots of wrecks. And even though Kev and J live literally less than a mile away from Adam, I was still worried that maybe he had decided to go somewhere else, and something had happened... Who knows. Your mind can make all up kinds of weird things. I worried about him all damn night, stayed on line, and with my cell phone right next to me so that he could get in touch with me. Kept myself occupied by downloading stuff the the Sims. Finally at 4 am he called. He was fine. He had gone over Dans house to get some weed for Kev. He stuck around for a few minutes and ended up falling asleep on the guys couch and had just woken up. Sounds like a lie, but I know he was telling me the truth. The thing was, it pissed me off that he had gone to do that when he was "too sick" to hang out with me. Especially since we havent been able to see each other nearly as much here recently. So I said "Im glad you are OK, but I really dont have anything else to say to you" and hung up.

Of course, 20 minutes later I felt bad, but I didnt want to call because by this time it was about 4:30 and I didnt want to wake anyone up. I was hoping he would call me back, knowing I wouldnt stay mad at him for long, but he didnt.

I talked to him today, and he said He wanted to call me but was afraid I would be ever more mad if he did, and that he kept the phone by his ear all night so that he would hear it in case I called back.

Boy, we are pathetic. We're both so godamned guilt ridden all the time.

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Sweetie, you worry yourself sick.

I know, its all I have to do.

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