nervous turkey day

Tomorrow we are going to my Aunts house for Thanksgiving. Good food, but I really don't want to go. I don't see or talk to these people very often at all, in fact, only on holidays for the most part. Which means that they will want to ask me how I am doing, which means I have to lie and say "Fine." They'll ask how work is going, or if I'm planning on starting school anytime soon. And I'll have to give vague short answers like "I'm looking... just thinking about what I want to do." When in fact the truth is that I know what I want to do, at least in the short term, and thats all I can hope to accomplish really. Of course I do think in the long term. Where I would like to be in ten years. Where I would like to be in one year. But the truth is I can't even begin to logically answer these questions until I can face the fear that I live with on a daily basis. Until I can face the force which has prevented me from doing anything worth mentioning in the years since I graduated. Sometimes I wonder if I the problem actually started before that however. I think in some respects it must have. I was a succesful student, I had wonderful friends (once I was in high school) and I can say that I was generally happy with my life. I think I had enough good things to temporarily push out the thoughts of my fears. Back then, when people asked about how I was doing, the answer was not contingent upon having (or not having) a vehicle. I could go to school and make good grades and be in musicals and go out on the weekends without needing a car. I had many more friends and not nearly as much shame. Occasionally I was embarassed by my lack of driving, especially if someone asked about it, or someone asked me for a ride somewhere, assuming that since I was an upperclassman, I would have a car. Then, as now, it was a combination of shame of not having the money for a car, and not having the guts to drive one. However, it was a hell of a lot easier to admit that my family didn't have money than to admit that I didn't have courage.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have no reason to dread seeing my family tomorrow. Maybe they wont ask unintentionally hurtful questions. But then again, maybe I'll end up in tears. Pathetic. Pathetic to be nervous about Thanksgiving with my family.

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