malibu and missed periods

Last night I went out with Michelle for her birthday celebration. Um, typical Michelle night really, except add some Malibu rum. Was home by midnight. Spent several hours at her boyfriend/guy shes gonna marry in 2004's house. At least he didn't pull out any guns or anything. He did spend a considerable amount of time in his bedroom with loud music on. Eminem sounding crap. Apparently this is his passive-agressive way of letting her know that he will not be in any way supportive of anything in her life that doesn't involve him. Although now that I think about it, I don't think he is really supportive to her about ANYthing. Much was made of me not driving, as he had to take me all the way home after Michelle and I were done with the blender, the coconut, the pineapple juice, and the blender. Oh yeah, and the Malibu. I had about 5 drinks and they may as well have been milk shakes. All the stomach ache, none of the fun. I was pretty damn drunk on Malibu the Saturday night after my birthday, but I think that's because it was more like 13 or 14 drinks. Mark spinning me around the dancefloor at a gay honky tonk, me wearing shoes I couldn't have danced in sober probably didn't help.

Regarding the aviary position... I looked up the fax number. Of course it wasn't in a reverse directory, but damn, I am good with google. Put in the fax number "123-123-4567" and poof! I get a few matches, one of them leading me to a website for an old folks home, which, interestingly enough, has indoor aviaries with lovebirds. Ah ha. No creepy millionaires or overzealous offices. Might have been fun, but they never called me. I'm wondering if the fax even went through, since it was just some program that I downloaded that faxes out from it's own little notepad-esque thingie. I suppose it was not meant to be. Well, obviously. I mean, I wanted it, right? Can't have me getting something I want, now can we?

Otherwise, the job search is going umm... not at all. There's nothing but fast food type shit listed for anywhere near me, and the few exceptions to that require experience. For a piddly little OFFICE job, filing, typing, answering phones. How the hell do you "break in" to that illustrious field without prior experience? Oh wait, I know! You go to college, spend $120,000, then graduate, take an internship for a year that pays

$0, THEN you can get the office job that pays 19,000 a year, and barely scrape by at the poverty line. Yes, I think I understand now.

Maybe it's ridiculous for me to be too proud to work at a fast food place. I mean, what room have I for pride? Shit.

I'm incredibly lonely. Ive essentially been alone for 24 hours straight. Make that 25. Got home at about midnight last night, everyone was asleep. Stayed up til some insane hour, woke up this afternoon, everyone was gone. Parents got home about an hour ago, and went straight to bed. I've cried a lot today. Cried myself to sleep last night. Adam didn't call. He didn't call the night before either. He's been working on music a whole lot, and just got a new job which he will start monday. I'm scared. This seeing him twice a week thing is not cutting it. And when he starts work, it will be even less. However, if I mention this, he will snap at me and talk about how I WANTED him to get a job, and he misses me TOO dont I know, and he DOES wish we had more time to spend together, but he HAS to have his own time too, and I NEVER take his music seriously. And, and... Sometimes he feels like I'm smothering him. Fuck. That's so cliche. So fucking... predictable and repetitive. So, so infuriating. I want him to be happy and do his music, but When he's at Kev and J's and/or working on music 4 nights a week, and with me 1 or 2 nights a week, I feel neglected. Poor, poor me. Whatever.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. No period in 2 months now. I suppose the remote possibilty exists that I'm pregnant, but I'm really not worrying about it too much, for a number of reasons. 1, I've never been exactly what you would call "regular." 2, My health problems have been back the past few months and I've had sex maybe a total of 5 times in those 2 months, most of which came AFTER the first missed period. 3, we've used condoms without incident every single time, without fail. Yes, I know they have a failure rate. Luckily, so do my ovaries. I still get all the unpleasantness that normally accompanies my period. Cramps, headache, infection. Oh boy. Just no actually MENSTRUATION. I'd really love to be able to afford to go to the gyno. Or even to the clinic. Of course, my luck, I won't be able to take birth control pills due to some bizzare anomaly that affects 1 in a million women. Or, you know, maybe I just won't be able to afford to pay for the pills.

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