other journal, more reminders

Probably about a year ago, I remember saying to Michelle that I couldn't ever see myself doing the online journal thing. I've never kept a paper diary or journal and always detested having to write a "journal" for a grade in high school. They usually gave you stupid topics, occasionally you could pick your own, and the teacher always swore she didn't read them, just looked at them to see if you wrote it or not. Whatever. I'm sure they read every single one, or at least enough of each one to determine if it was juicy or not.

In any case, I HATED it, but I'm sure that had more to do with the idea of being FORCED to write something like that. I did make an attempt at a paper diary once or twice, and it never worked. I would write once and then not write for 3 months.

And now here I am, with an online journal that I have actually been managing to write in on a fairly regular basis. Amazing. But now... like everyone else it seems... I've actually got TWO online journals. The second journal will be for stuff I deem suitable for Real Life people to read. Adam knows of this journal, but doesn't know where it is, and feels very strange about the fact that any stranger can read it, but not him. I sort of wish I hadn't told him about this one, but it's done now.

I've got mixed feelings about the whole thing though. First off, I think it's silly to keep a journal specifically for one other person to read. It would be easier and better and make a lot more sense to just tell them in person, or even on the phone or in a letter/email if you wanted to go the written route. Second, I'm afraid that since I can't seem to shake the idea that I'll be writting it for only one person, that I will start to write it more in a letter form, directed at one person (Adam) rather than writing to myself, to everyone, or to no one as I think makes more sense in a journal. Yes, I am guilty of occasionally writting to an "audience" (as if I have one) but I will at least admit it, and I think it's a natural thing to do when writting in a forum like this. Certainly it is different from writting in a paper journal that no one else will ever read. I think it's impossible (unless of course it's a locked journal that no one else is meant to read) that an online journal could really be the same as a paper journal. And since I tried the paper route before, and it didn't work, then I guess it just took some other element (an audience, feedback, etc) to spark me to actually write. Plus, as Adam says, I am an "e-girl." I swear I am an internet whore. Anything that can be done, can be done better, more effeciently, and cheaper on the net, that's my motto. Ok not really. But I do tend to make it out to seem that way.

I guess I'm also paranoid that he will find this journal. It's not like I have any deep dark secrets here, but I do tend to come here to complain a lot, or just be really, really depressed, and I won't want him reading that a lot of the time. I will be transferring a lot of my old entries here to my new journal, and I will probably actually just use duplicate entries in them. This diary will, occasionally, recieve an entry that the other won't. Well, I say occasionally but I haven't really got his little project off the ground yet so it's hard to say.

Re: the last entry... more reminders-

Remember that there is still work to be done. Remember that it always feels great for a while after a big fight, a near break up, or some other traumatic experience. It's called making up. Remember that when you played phone tag all night til he decided to eat and go to sleep, he called back 5 minutes later to make sure you were OK, and then talked for 45 minutes. Remember that he admitted to being fickle about the music thing. Remember that as soon as his sis left for the bathroom at the movies, he turned to you and kissed you with that stolen kiss passion that reminded you of the time he "had to" show you were the bathroom was at his house. Remember that even though great "make-up" sex is fine to appreciate and makes the resolution seem more real and "sealed," it is not a garauntee of anything, and doesn't prove anything except that you still love each other, and can have great sex. Which you knew anyway. Most of all, remember that this IS worth fighting for.

:|cause|:|effect|: