New Years Day (how predictable)

There's nothing like your little brother's 15 or 16 year old friend showing up in their brand new car to put you in a bad mood. At least, when you are a 21 year old who has never had a car and can't drive. I don't know why it is that I am scared to do something that this teenie bopper, Pink wannabe little shit does every day. Mark is done with his full time run at (theme park.) I am half hoping and half dreading that he will actually stick to his offer to help me drive. I wish I could have the benefits of driving without actually having to do it. I want to live someplace like NYC where I would never need to drive. I guess winning the lottery would help. Then I could just hire a limo to take me anywhere I want to go. I probably wouldn't have a job, but... Actually, I wonder if I would be happy with myself in one of those situations. As far as the driving thing I mean. Maybe I would still be pissed off at myself that I couldn't face the fear. I don't think I am the kind of person who would win the lottery and then bitch about how the money didn't fill my life, however. I mean, assuming my loved ones wouldn't desert me in the event that I suddenly became a millionaire, then I would have pretty much everything. I'm already pretty lucky in the love department I think. My family are all passive aggressive assholes, my friends have a tendency to make themselves scarce at times, and my relationship with Adam is certainly not perfect, but I do feel lucky.

I'm trying to overlook people's flaws more and accept them as a whole person. I know I can be critical, but I guess I just don't feel too bad since I am the most critical with myself. I don't think I could possibly hold anyone else to a higher standard than I hold myself. Not that it's gotten me anywhere, because, well. Yeah. But I still hate myself for it. As hard as I try, I just cannot (most of the time) see myself as the WHOLE like I try to do with others.

I think I had sort of an epiphany the other day. I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse, and I may not even be right, but it's certainly the way I'm feeling right now... I used to think that I didn't have enough in me, enough love, caring, etc to be worth anything to anyone. Yes there were outside factors that made/make me feel worthless, ie car issues, body image, etc. but the sum total of it was that I felt unworthy in the sense that I felt empty of internal value to bestow. I felt that this was proven to me time and time again, ie Allyn, Haydn, (god I haven't typed said those names in a long time) even my parents to a certain extent. I also, for quite a while in high school, felt that I had treated someone who cared about me a lot very badly. Looking back I see that I just didn't feel the same way about them at that point. Possibly I did later, but it may have just been a guilt thing. Anyway, I took this as proof that I was cold and heartless. My silent sobs in the middle of the night have never quite been "No one loves me. No one cares about me" They've been more like "I don't blame anyone for not caring. There's nothing to care about."

Now... I'm not so sure. I wish I could say that it's because I am honestly feeling better about myself, but it's not. I feel better some days, worse others. But I do feel now that maybe it's not that other people don't care because I'm not good enough, or I don't give enough, I think it's that I give SO MUCH that most other people pale in comparison. Sometimes I think that I give more than I should, and it isn't always returned to me. Maybe I have a warped view of things and just simply expect way too much.

Or maybe I'm deluding myself.

On the lighter side.

New Years Eve was ok. I didn't go the the thing I've been to the last 4 or 5 years with Mark because last year Adam was very opposed to going and we agreed that this year, he would get to pick. Maybe it's a good thing because it would have cost about $50 that neither of us had. I went to a "party" with Adam that turned out to be at some guys house who I recognized from high school. I didn't know him though. There were only about 15 or 20 people there, and of them I only knew Adam and Jake. There were a few girls there when we got there, but they left and I thought for the longest time that I was the only girl until I saw the girlfriend of the guy who lived there. I ended up reclining on the bed in the "pot room" making sarcastic remarks while everyone else got high. Adam offered 2 hours straight of oral if I would smoke, then backed out saying I shouldn't smoke because I'd been drinking. The offer stands though, and I'm seriously considering it. I mean... 2 HOURS STRAIGHT?!

The best part of the night by far was after we went home and got into bed. The ropes came out and things were happening that had never really happened before. Different positions with the ropes, a different vibe.

Today I spent most of the day over at Adam's playing games with his family and a few friends. I learned how to play hearts, which was kind of fun for about 10 minutes, but then got old. I played the dictionary game which is actually pretty fun, and then... the dumbest game in the whole fucking world. I think it was called In Pursuit. It was a Trivial Pursuit type game with a board and game pieces and dice and cards with questions on them. There are 2 teams and you can change teams and overthrow leaders of teams. The questions were boring and stupid and the entire premise of the game was just off somehow. About 5 minutes into it I was ready for it to be over. About an hour later, it finally was.

At about 6 pm I realized that I had not finished with my bed. It was drained and patched but still filthy, as well as the liner. It was dark and freezing and I had planned on taking it out into the driveway to hose down. Adam brought me home and I pulled the mattress out there, turned on the porch light and opened the garage door so that I could see. Stupid me, I forgot that both of the sprayer attachments are broken. One of them has a broken handle, which means that you can't SQUEEZE the handle to make it spray since there IS NO HANDLE. The other one is just fucked and sprays little spurts of water all over the place even when in the "off" position. I sort of had to go with the ejaculatory one since it at least put out water. Of course I ended up soaked and freezing with about 5 minutes, and I was getting nowhere. My dad and I folded it up and hauled it into a laundry basket and I did it in the bath tub. Worked much better, and I was much warmer of course, but I ended up sitting hunched over on the edge of the bathtub for about an hour. Pain.

Finally got the bed all taken care of, cleaned, dried, refilled. But of course the water was about 30 degrees so I'm going to freeze my ass off tonight. I turned the heater up as high as it would go but I'm not sure if it's really going to work. I'll have to put a couple of blankets down and sleep on top of them.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Mark. Possibly... driving...

Holy shit! How did I forget this?? New Years Day is the day that Adam first told me he loved me. 2 years ago. Neither of us even mentioned it today. Fuck. Of course I didn't say it back at that point, so it's a bitter sweet memory to me. I really wish I could have been in a better mentality to say it. I certainly felt it.

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