I've always had a sort of plan for what I wanted to do. It's always been a pretty vague plan in terms of how I would specifically GET there and it hasn't always been the SAME plan. But there's always been one. I was going to be an exchange student to Australia. I was going to go to Sarah Lawrence in NY. I was going to go to UT. I was going to be a zoologist. I was going to.. I was going to.. I was going to... And now at age 21 I haven't done a single fucking think that I was ever going to do. I've done a few things that I never planned on, but thats to be expected. And now I find myself for the first time without a plan. I want to get a car, and a job, and I want to go to school. But I still can't really drive, and I have NO idea where I want to work, and I really have no idea where I want to go to school or how in the fuck I'm going to pay for it. I want to move in with Adam. But yet I want to go so many places. I still want to go to NYC. I just want out of here. I want out of this pathetic little existance. I wish I could have a look at what things might be like now if I had taken any of the infinite number of alternate routes along the way. I wonder what would be different. If I had gone to Sarah Lawrence, I probably never would have gotten back together with Adam. I might not have even MET him because who knows what might have been different in my senior year of highschool if I had actually been seriously planning for college. I can't see my life without Adam but honestly, 4 years ago I could never have seen my life like this. I try really hard to live my life one day at a time and try to really take things in and not waste time. I heard somewhere, sometime that if all you are ever doing in life is waiting for something else to happen, then you aren't really living. All I ever do is wait, on different levels. I wait for my life to straighten out, and I wait for Mark to come over and I wait for Adam to call and I wait and wait and wait. I want to make things happen but I just don't know how.
Sometimes I wonder why I come here to write. I've written about my motives for writting here already, but sometimes I just really wonder WHY I want to record the same old song and dance so many times. I really hope to someday look back and read this and wonder to myself how I was ever this miserable. I hope that at some point, reading this puts my life at that future moment into some grand perspective. Right now, all it does is make me cry. And yet I'm here writting this, wiping away the tears every few moments and wondering WHY.
Future self: I am doing this so that YOU can know and remember how much you went through before getting to wherever it is that you are. Please remember the terrified thoughts that come in the middle of the night and how the worst hate in the world is that which you feel for yourself.
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[01/24/2003@2:37 AM]