hole in my heart

For the general frame of reference, when I read this at some later point, the war started about 4 days ago.

Right now I'm not thinking about that though. I guess it is always in the back of my mind, but not at the forfront at the moment.

I hung out with J*** again today. We went to the thrift store where I had the humiliating experience of having my debit card refused because I forgot to leave a check for my dad to deposit this morning when he left. J*** lent me 20 bucks, but I ended up with only a small part of what I wanted to buy to resell. There were some good finds too.

None of that is really of any consequence. What is bothering me tonight is that Mark is leaving. I've been pushing it to the back of my head and not confronting it, but I think that is over for me. J*** made a comment today about renting a uhaul and how Mark would have to learn to drive a standard because apparently all uhaul trucks are standards. I've heard all sorts of talk about them leaving but for some reason a fucking uhaul truck is what makes it real.

My best friend. My constant. My crying shoulder. My soulmate. My Mark. Since I was 15. And soon he'll be gone. Gone to the place that has been OUR dream for almost as long as we've known each other. Gone to the place I yearn to be. Gone, and I'm not invited.

What can fill a hole this big in my heart?

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