mistaken identity, wackiness ensues

Ugh. I really really hate when I do this. When I just stop writing here. How the hell am I supposed to have any sort of realistic and balanced sense of my life here, if I write so sporadically? I might write every day for a week, and then nothing for who knows how long.

Well. One day last week I stayed over at Adam's house. He was still on all kinds of meds for his rib, and he fell asleep pretty early. I wasn't even close to tired, so I stayed up and watched TV, messed around on the computer and such. A few nights before this, I had sent him some naighty pictures through yahoo messenger. He's not quite as computer savvy as I am so I was concerned that he may not have deleted them completely as I asked him to. I couldn't remember the file names, but I was pretty sure that yahoo would save them in a folder containing my screen name. As in, files recieved from this screen name. OR, it would save them in a folder named HIS screen name. So I opened up the hard drive search program and typed in the first portion of my yahoo screen name. For the purposes of this entry I'll say my screen name is "carolina_rocco_81". So i typed in carolina. Immediatly it brought up several results and I clicked on the first one. It turned out to be a text file. A conversation between adam and someone with the screename (also not real) "carolina_ricardo" Quite similar to my screen name, but I wasn't really thinking about it at the time. The conversation went basically like this:

Adam: hi

carolina_ricardo: hi

Adam: I just signed on to tell you how cute you are. I have to go do something though.

carolina_ricardo: ok

Adam: I love you

carolina_ricardo: I love you too. call me 555-1234

(there were timestamps, and there was a long pause here)

Adam: Ok, Ill call today

Some girl online, and he's saying I love you, and telling her he'll call her? And saying how cute she is?? Then I remembered that he and I had had an almost identical conversation around this same time... He signed on briefly, said he was just signing on to tell me how cute I was, then signed off...

I didn't know WHAT to think. It seemed there must be some explanation. The similarities in the conversation. The similarities in the screen names. I looked up the phone number on reverse look up with no luck. I looked up the screen name, there was no information on the profile. I went back and forth from feeling guilty and stupid to feeling betrayed. It probably didn't help that I had had a dream not long before this that Adam was cheating on me and Michelle found out somehow and told me.

I'm not sure how long I sat and agonized over it. Probably at least an hour. There was no way in hell I could go to sleep. I finally decided that I would just have to wake him up. I didn't really want to, because either way it wasn't going to be good. If there was a perfectly reasonable explanation, I would feel guilty for not trusting him. If there was NOT a reasonable explanation...

So I shook him awake. Over several minutes, I shook him awake. He's not an easy person to wake up. I kept saying "Are you awake? Listen. Listen. Look at me. Are you awake?" I was finally pretty convinced that he was indeed awake. I slowly and calmly explained what had happened. He seemed to be listening. Then he slowly and haltingly started explaining...

"One day. I signed on. And You were on. And then I... You were on. And."

And WHAT??

"And then it was time for football."

FOOTBALL? What the hell does football have to do with this?

Well that woke him up. He sat straight up, looked at me, and said, "Ok, what happened? Say all that again."

He had no idea what the hell we were talking about.

Rather than explaining the whole thing again, I just said "Who is carolina_ricardo on yahoo?"

He immediatly told me who it was. A girl that he has been friends with for quite some time, that I have met several times, and who Michelle knows. They know each other from back when he did rhps.

Whew. He asked me how I found the conversation, and I explained. He explained that he had accidently clicked on her screen name instead of mine because they are right next to each other. This almost identical conversation that he and I had took place directly afterward, when he realized what had happened. He only saved the conversaton so that he would have her new phone number.

I felt like such. a. bitch. And he was so sweet about it. He understood completely. He had to sleep on the couch because he couldn't lie down flat, but he came and sat on the edge of his bed and held my hand til I fell asleep.

I really, really need to work on unconditional trust.

:|cause|:|effect|: