breakthrough?

Used to be, I would run here when something was wrong. Mad, sad, whatever. I came here and poured it all out. But as I became more and more concious about making this an accurate picture of my life, I became more determined to have a balance of good and bad. Ok, maybe balance is the wrong word, because maybe the good and bad would not actually be balanced in life, and therefore should not be balanced here. I wanted it to be realistic. I want to be able to read this years down the road and remember exactly how I was feeling. There are so many things I wish I could do that with, that I will never be able to get back.

And yet I still do not feel that I have ever given a real sense of what my life is here. I really have absolutely no inspiration to write here when I am happy. Occasionally I will force a happy entry, but I never feel that it does it justice nearly as well as my sad entries. Why is it that sadness inspires me?

So I think what I ended up doing has been worse than only writing the "bad" entries. I have been purposely NOT writing bad entries because I know that it will be out of place. And so I have hardly been writing at all.

And so, I am stuck with this as a marker. A simple placeholder. A book mark stuck in at a particular chapter, except that most of the pages of the chapter are missing.

The Cliff's Notes:

Adam told me that the reason he has not wanted to spend too much time with me here lately is that he puts me on a pedestal. He feels like he has to be better when he's around me, and that's very hard to do.

There was a fight. There was lots of me crying. There was me saying that I'm scared of my first summer since I was 15 without my best friend. And there was Adam saying he'll be there for me, and that he'll be better. There was me saying it's been said before.

He said he never realized why before. And now he does.

This was after he told me that he feels he can't be himself when I'm around. Ok, he stressed that he did NOT say those words. It was actually more like "I feel like a have to censor myself, because you won't like what I say or do, or you will get mad or offended. I don't feel that way with my friends" He said that there have been times when that has happened, when he is around his friends and I am there. He could not supply even a single example however, and I sure as hell can't recall it ever happening. If it happened, I would remember. I would thing, "Boy, Adam sure is an asshole when he's with his friends."

But I don't. He's just fine with his friends. In fact, I like his friends and I like hanging out with them.

When it's all said and done, I do feel like it was a breakthrough. I haven't in the past.

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