bipolar me

The past 2 days, I have had the most incredible sex I can remember since...well, since I started having sex. Once with bondage, once without, both perfect. Adam seems to be getting more and more into tying me up, and believe me, there are no complaints.

It's been nice to spend more time with Mark. And did I mention that he isn't leaving for NY this weekend...? He is leaving next month. I was of course dreading him leaving, but I was dreading it even more in a way because the RHCP concert is the 16th and he would be gone by then... Sort of like, I didn't want to look forward to it and/or didn't think I would have a great time because he would be gone. Of course it's really only delaying the sadness.

But, at least there is hope now... god how many times have I thought this. How many times have I let myself think about and plan for something, look forward to it, envision it... only to be dissapointed? And why haven't I learned my lesson? I guess I just feel like... I really can't live like this forever. I mean, really, if it went on like this, what is there? I don't know how long, how many years of self loathing and failure I can handle before... Before what?

Yes, I have honestly, seriously, considered suicide. No, I've never attempted it. No, I've never come to the conclusion that I plan to. But yes, I have seen it as an actual option. And sometimes the most off the wall things will snap me out of it... Who would take care of the birds? The turtle? Would they just give them away to strangers? I can't handle that thought. Then I'll picture Adam crying, blaming himself, and I know he would... And I picture everyone who cares about me (albeit there are not many) thinking about every little time they dissapointed me. Every little thing they could have done, but didn't. And even though it's not about them, I know, I KNOW it would be that way.

I picture my dad. I picture him realizing that all these years, Ive been so sad, and he's been too worried about paying the mortgage and buying food to realize that I was losing my reason to get up in the morning.

But then, you know, I picture...nothing. I think how it would be to not cry anymore. TO not have to worry about the future, and losing my best friend, and driving, and money. Nothing. Anymore. Ever.

This entry... wow... talk about fucking bipolar...

I can't do this anymore.

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