not knowing

At 9 pm, I was asleep. A little on the early side of a sane persons bedtime. Something woke me up at about 9:45. I had a horrible headache so I got up to get something for it. Decided to sign on line "for a few minutes."

And here I am. Fucking hell.

Adam didn't leave for FL today afterall, due to some scatterbrained mistake on his moms part. He THOUGHT he was leaving, right up until it was TIME to leave, so he came over here to say goodbye beforehand. He was extremely horny and I don't think I've ever heard him make as much noise as he did when I went down on him.

I'm playing the "sit around and wait to get called about a job" game. It's not a fun game. The last time I played it, it went on and on and grew to ridiculous proportions. (you can read about that starting with the entry called "I didn't borrow any fucking money")

I emailed the resume over the weekend and planned on calling today to sort of follow up and make sure they got it. I'm not sure if thats very professional or the way it "should" be done, but when I spoke to the woman on the phone last week she explicitly said "we are very laid back" and in fact we chatted a bit about the area because apparently she lives right down the street from me.

Anyway, with Adam being here and all the silly lovey dovey-ness going on as we said goodbye (it's only for a WEEK, but still...) I got distracted and didn't call until almost 5 pm... I think it was something like 4:56. I'm ASSUMING they all go home at 5, although I'm not certain about that. Anyway, the guy who answered the phone said she was busy on the phone and took my number to have her call me back. I waited til 6:30, then called back, and they weren't at the office anymore. For some reason that made me feel BETTER. I don't know why exactly. I'm going to call back tomorrow if I don't hear from them by one-ish. I have this fear that they are going to call me at 7 am or something and want me to come in for an interview, and I'm going to show up half asleep and dead tired from having to walk there on top of it, and with the ugly fucking dark circles under my eyes, and looking all puffy the way I do when I don't get enough sleep.

Oh well, I guess they aren't looking for a beauty queen.

I just really hate not knowing... I'd rather that they called and told me no.

Another thing that was frustrating me about it was that I was thinking if I just found out one way or another, I might possibly be able to go to FL with Adam afterall. Thinking about it now though, even if I did find out tomorrow, before he leaves, I still wouldn't go with him... For the simple fact that Mark is leaving in about 2 weeks and I don't want to be gone for half of the remaining time that he's here.

I really hate the decisions that I'm having to make. Or at least attempt to make, since much of it is out of my hands. If I get this job, there will be no NYC this summer to stay with Drew. Which means there will be no chance of seeing Mark til he has his own apartment, and even then... there are just so many variables.

I'd like to be the kind of person who doesn't stress over these kinds of things. Who just rolls with the punches and takes everything in stride. But I feel like I have literally no control over my own life (I don't need a lecture about the implications of that statement, thankyouverymuch) so I try to grab any bit of control that I can. Unfortunatly, that really just boils down to planning everything meticulously in my mind, only to have it all ripped to fucking shreds in reality.

I feel like the next year is going to bring enourmous change to my life. But then I've felt that way before.

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