money for me

I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I sit around, I go to sleep. Repeat.

Sigh.

However... I have MONEY! I got my first check today! And I have tomorrow off the the 4th! Wow all those exclamation points make me seem much more excited than I am!

Although, I AM in a decent mood, all things considered. I'm doing my best not to allow myself to dwell on things I can't change, and not to worry TOO much about the things I can.

My body feels different being on this schedule. I'm tired as hell when I wake up and feel pretty crappy, but by 10 or so, I'm feeling decent (physically) and after that... I'm great. My body just feels... better. Sort of, lighter and clearer. I'm sure that makes no sense. Not that I enjoy being a "day person" by any means... I hate that aspect of it... But I think it's good for me to get a little sunlight, you know? I had been on vampire hours for SO long...

Had some of the best sex ever tonight. Maybe THE best ever. I couldn't stop saying "wow" afterward and Adam's ego was really flying high.

A strange thought has crossed my mind a few times over the past days... I think to myself, "I should feel grateful for having a job, but I don't" Then I think "To whom should I feel grateful?" I mean, the people I work for are nice enough, and I'm glad they hired me, but really, it's not like its an altruistic situation. They give me money, I help them run a very profitable business.

I guess I do feel LUCKY though. Just a little lucky.

I'm trying to reconcile the relative insignificance of having a job against all important LOVE. Just a couple of days left to be with someone I love as much as I've loved anyone in my life. At this point I think it's borderline pointless to try to imagine this as a temporary seperation. I'm fully aware of the fact that one day will seem like a month. A month will seem like a year... to think beyond that...is impossible right now.

My ever suspicious mind invents things, independant of directed thought. I keep running a few phrases through my head... "I'm not 18 anymore" (I know you aren't, I really want to give you more credit than that) "I want you up there" (I really do know in my heart that you do) "Love you lots" (and you...oh, more than you will ever know...)

Enter the doubt that says "You wont hear from him for months at a time. You won't be able to get in touch with him to visit. J*** will have too much hold on him there."

It's the same voice that has been saying some pretty nasty things to me for years now. I'm pretty fucking fed up with the voice. It's that fucking voice who runs my life much of the time, you know.

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