same bullshit

I can't be happy. I mean, it's obvious, really. It's something inherent to me I suppose.

I want attention. I'm sorry, but I do. I want to be special. I want I want I want. Me Me Me.

I try not to be like this, but I am. For now.

I cut my hair for him. I put on makeup for him. I wear things I know he likes. I shave all the various female body parts that are typically (and not so typically) shaved. I buy kinky stuff. Not because he asks me to, but because I know that he likes it and I like to make him happy.

He... well, he picks me up from work sometimes.

I guess that sounds worse than it is. He doesn't treat me badly, by any means. I just wish I still felt as special to him as I used to. I wish he would stop smoking, like he promised me to. Several times. I wish he would surprise me. I wish he would really, really want to spend time with me.

Friday night we had a date. I went shopping for new shoes after work, showered, did my hair and makeup and got dressed up. Meanwhile, he was not home when I tried to call him after work, like I said I would, and I didn't hear from him til almost 7. I figured we'd go out around 7. But that was never specified, so...But anyway, he said he would pick me up at 8:30. He arrived at 8:20 wearing raggedy jeans, the same dirty shoes he wears everywhere, hair crazy all over the place cause he won't fucking shave his head again or get a decent cut, and 2 nasty looking tee shirts layered over each other.

I literally almost cried. I said "I guess I'm a little over dressed"

That was an understatement. Now, seriously, it's not that I judge him based on what he wears or anything. It's just, SOMETIMES I'd like it if he would at least attempt to look nice for me. He knows I want him to, just like I know there are certain things he likes me to wear. The difference is that I do it for him. And he doesn't do it for me.

I have this fantasy. It involves flowers and candles and leading me into the room while I promise to keep my eyes closed. And nice music. And nothing for me to have to plan or pay for or worry about. It involves me feeling, just for a little while, like the most important, special person in the world. I don't even know what I would do if that fantasy were to come true. There are no words to describe how I would feel. I would probably cry from happiness. Just like I'm crying now because I know it won't happen.

It's still this stupid romance thing. Don't listen to me. Different night, same bullshit.

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