the lazy way

More of snapshot of life than an entry...

Jen: how's working life?

Me: tiiiiiiiiiring

Jen: but lucrative?

Me: not exactly rolling in the dough but its nice to have money in the bank

Jen: i wish i had that

Jen: i'm getting very depressed

Me: still no luck on the job front?

Jen: i've worked so fucking hard to get this stupid mcdonalds job

Me: whaaat? seriously? what in the world have you had to do?

Jen: they "lost" my aplication so ive had to turn i two all together

Jen: give them my references

Jen: well actually it went like this

Me: oh yeah, restaurants are good at the losing the app thing

Jen: turned in app: 3 weeks of checking in, then getting told i would have an interview in a week, 2weeks later told to bring in referrences, i do, two days later i called and the manager hadn't even seen them

Jen: then 3 days later, i call AGAIN and she tells me they lost it

Jen: so i go in a turn in another one, and she said to give her a week to call the referrences

Jen: that was last thursay

Me: oh good god

Me: do they need people or NOT cause they are never going to hire anyone like that

Jen: i guess it's just me

Me: well, i say fuck em. move on to something else

Jen: meh

Jen: i guess i could go to target

Me: if you want to move to texas and sleep in my bathtub i can get you a job where i work

Jen: even tough its half an hour away

Jen: don't tempt me

Me: lol

Me: would it make it any less tempting if i said that we had lizards lose in the bathroom?

Jen: why!?

Me: they are everywhere around here. little pink ones

Me: they breed like crazy

Jen: ew

Me: they are all over the front porch and now somehow they are in the bathroom

Me: they are kind of cute actually

Me: (Link: http://www.enature.com/fieldguide/showSpeciesRECNUM.asp?recNum=AR0059)http://www.enature.com/fieldguide/showSpeciesRECNUM.asp?recNum=AR0059

Me: the ones here are pink though

Jen: i'm scurd

Me: haha

Me: they are like 2 inches long

Jen: i haven't had a cigarette in 3 daYS

Me: thats good

Jen: no it's horrible

Me: noooo. smoking is bad

Jen: nooo

Jen: i'm gonna be evil and get fat

Me: you might be eveil for a while but you wont get fat

Jen: yeah

Me: which reminds me, i guess the whole pregnancy thing was all a false alarm?

Jen: well

Jen: i'm not sure

Jen: no, i'm not pregnant

Jen: but i got my period twice in a month, again

Me: uh huh

Jen: so

Jen: i need to go to the doctor

Jen: that's about it

Me: yeah i used to get 2 periods in a month before there was ever even a CHANCE i could be pregnant, unless i was going to be the next mother of christ

Jen: well no what i meant was the last time, i had a miscarrige, and then later that same month i had a real period

Me: yeah

Me: sorry i got distracted

Jen: is okay

Me: my friend josh and i were talking about going to get massages earlier and i found a website for a massage school... you can get an hour massage for 25 bucks from the students

Jen: cool

Me: you know

Me: i dont think anything will ever be enought o make me happy

Jen: why do you say that?

Me: well i get at least some of what i think i need or want, but its never like i thought it would be

Jen: that's how it always is

Me: sometimes i convince myself its because i want too much

Jen: i don't think so

Jen: i think its just that we want things so bad that we expect them to be 10 times better than they really are

Me: plus, with adam, if i give him any indication that im not happy with the way things are, it crushes him

Me: and he is under a looooot of stress right now

Jen: how come?

Me: and here i am being bitchy that he isnt fawning over me

Me: it would take hours to explain all the details of the situation, but basically he has to find a place to live really fast because his mom (who he moved here for, and who has MS and cannot live alone) suddenly wants him out

Me: and he has no job

Me: a lot of his stress, he brought on himself, but i still feel bad for him

Jen: aw

Me: one second i feel like the neglected girlfriend, the next i feel like the worst person in the world

Jen: :-(

Me: it goes back and forth so fast it makes me dizzy

Me: plus, i dwell on stuff

Me: you should read the entry i just wrote

Jen: link me

Me: http://disolvedgirl.diaryland.com

Jen: read what i just read

Jen: *wrote, not read

Jen: dude i know exactly how you feel

Jen: i know

Me: so yeah, i just cant decide if thats all selfish or shallow or what

Jen: no

Me: i mean, im not shallow at all

Me: but i start to feel like i am

Jen: its just someone who isn't getting what shes giving

Me: i just dont think i can tell him all this right now

Jen: then dont

Jen: you guys have been together a long time

Jen: give him time to get his equilibrium back

Jen: then talk about it

Me: a long time ago, i told him that i wanted him to do something really sappy and romantic, even though i felt stupid and girly telling him about it

Me: and he was like "i will definatly do it, but its going to be a surprise. im not going to do it right away"

Me: he never did

Me: it was like, a year ago

Jen: :-(

Me: he says things and forgets them 5 minutes later

Me: and stupid me, i remember every little thing EVER

Me: its like, all guys turn into this

Me: no matter how sweet they start off

Me: you fall in love with them that way, and then they slowly change

Jen: i agree

Me: until one day, you cant remember if they were ever that way or if you just remember it that way. and you cant say for sure when things changed

Me: i was trying to tell him the other day, before he came back from jax and the whole needing a place to live thing came up

Me: about how i feel

Me: and he took it to mean that i just didnt want to be with him

Me: so, i dont know. i just dont know what to do

Jen: :-(

Me: except that for now, i bette get some sleep

Me: better

Jen: okay

Jen: me too

Jen: goodnight

Me: talk to you soon

Me: goodnight

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This is the comment I left on a Dland friends entry after she talked about my previous entry about romance:

Ok, I read the other entry first so I didn't even see this til just now... I really wish I could give you a more balanced picture of him. I mean, he has done a lot, and I mean a LOT for me. Things I will be more than happy to tell you about sometime but it is not for here... It's just that lately I'm really analyzing everything and thinking about the future and wanting so much MORE because I settled for so long. Not with him, but with life. At the same time, he is under an enourmous amount of stress because his mom who has ('M' disease 'S') and cannot live alone (who he moved here for from FL, by the way) suddenly wants him to move out because now his sister and the baby live there. He just got back from his month long visit to Fl and is depressed to be back. He doesn't have a job and the job market is horrible around here of course, the list goes on and on. So I'm really trying to be there for him but I'm just in a very ME mindset. As you can tell from my entries lately, I'm questioning everything and any time you do that, you are going to come up with some aspects of something that you don't like. But like I told him, of all the things I have questioned, of all the roads I do not want my mind to travel down, not being with him is not one of them. I want all of the things I talked about in the entry, yes. But I don't want them just from SOMEONE, I want them from HIM. If that makes sense. Whew. Man that was long. I really should have made it an email but it's already typed here so I'll just go with it.

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