the tears

You have no idea of the scale of the rollercoaster in my head.

Since I last wrote:

My brother was arrested. I had my 3 year anniversary with Adam. Mark and J***'s relationship has pretty much turned to crap. I turned 22. I quit the job at the haunted house before the season was over because some guy grabbed my boobs and they didn't do anything about it. Michelle set her wedding date for the end of february in LAS VEGAS, and so I will be spending a weekend or so there. Adam has evolved into a bondage sex fiend. Not neccesarily in that order.

Overall, I have to say my life is much better than it was even just a few months ago. But I'm still a fundamentally sad person and I still struggle with that on a daily basis.

As I told Simon, in response to his guestbook inquiry, I just haven't been inspired to write. I get so mad at myself, I try to force myself to write, knowing that if I don't I will regret not having a written memory... and yet... I don't do it. Somebody make me do it!

Adam asked me yesterday if I was afraid that he would leave me. He said I have been so nice to him, and different in some way, and it was a vibe he was getting. I told him that yes, on occasion I am afraid of that, but it's not a continual thing. But as I thought about it today, I realized that if there is one thing I am truly afraid of, it is people leaving me, in one form or another. All I have to measure my life by is love, and my greatest fear is having nothing in my life.

I'm just... trying. As best I can. Each day. And sometimes the tears are of sadness, and sometimes they are of happiness. And the tears... they burn, but they are cleansing.

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